TGIF*NLGSAWTV! — Episode 2!

What’s up? Well before this even gets posted tonight Secret Party Room is amidst its biggest day since we started it and we are still a week away from officially launching it!

So it’s friday night and the mood is right. We’re gonna have some fun, show you how its done… TGIF*NLGSAWTV! This is week 2 so you are starting to get the hang of it. This is going to be some awesome videos and links for all you weekend warriors returning from the bar and looking to get high as fuck! 90’s awesomeness! When you’re all baked up after drinking a few to many tall ones you’re mindset is basically a 13-year-old, so why not watch what you were watching when you were 13?

Let’s get more interactive this week. Got some polls so you can decide what you want to see next week, which is the official launch date of the blog! always feel free to hit us up with suggestions at secretpartyroom@gmail.com or @SecretPartyRoom. Make sure to check out new writer Cooper Sanders movie reviews! we need more writers! If you are interested email us! so you can just click down these videos and hit full screen in the corner and it will all be one long program. We are trying to make it so it can just be one long video. But we do not yet have the technology. (It exists i just can’t afford it)  Now pack a big fat bowl it’s time to begin.

Did you learn your lesson? Don’t whiz on the electric fence or you’ll go to hell! That’s a serious message kid, so i think that you should take that advice and let it sit in, than think it over, a couple of bong rips. We are going to play a smoking weed game, just like the good old days at Slippery Rock. I’ll go into the history of the Secret Party Room later, now let’s get to the rules.(There are only 2)

Everytime the phrase “hoover dam” is used you have to take a bong rip!

Everytime Pete’s dad mentions that he is making good time, you have to take two bong rips!

Let’s click over to MTV while we decide what we do next. Oingo Boingo! This song is totally awesome! No Lie! grab a beer and get some more weed ready to smoke we got one more bit of awesomeness!

That was awesome! we gotta head back Nickelodeon’s way for the final round here. It’s time for Fifteen! An awesome high school show with a young Ryan Reynolds, yes the dude who had so much sex with Scarlett Johansson! This a great show, it’s no Degrassi or My So Called Life, but it’s good enough to get blazed to!.

All right people here’s a little late night treat for you and then the signoff. Thanks for watching! hope your blazed up and ready for a lovely nights slumber. This has been a big week for the site and next week is going to be bigger. One week from today this will be a real website and TGIF*NLGSAWTV! will be the first thing on it. So send me what you think it stands for via email or twitter and i’ll use your name in the next 3 episodes. It’s really easy. You got the TGIF and the A is and….. so figure it out! Have a good weekend!

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An Open Letter to The Clinton Generation

**Authors Note** every Thursday I will be writing an editorial for Secret Party Room titled, “An Open Letter to the Clinton Generation.” It is the only place on the internet that you can see my writing uncensored. Clinton kids, I’m not mad at you, I’m just very disappointed

To the Clinton Kids who are responsible for the death of 4,474 American soldiers, rock and roll, and the American dream, you’ve turned your backs on what you were promised. You’ve been duped and although you’ve realized it for years you’ve been too ashamed and scared to admit it. We have done nothing as the most evil elements have rushed to fill the void that our apathy has created. Where were we when the corporate dictatorship of fear was installed post 9/11? Not on the streets protesting like our parents and demanding our freedoms be returned! Not calling out an illegitimate government that was being run by a small group of very rich white men with intentions of installing a new world order in which only they profit.

No! We were playing PS2 in smoked out dorm rooms at state universities, cruising along on the five-year plan just trying to catch a buzz. Our laziness allowed the United States to enter a war in Iraq that had no real mission or exit strategy. It was a war we fought so this small group of men could open a Starbucks on every corner of Baghdad and install a faux-government that let these men have greater control over the regions oil, more specifically its profits. This same group of men used that money to help fund the Tea Party which confused the easily confusable into believing that government was against them, and that they had to take their local governments back, when it was in fact the small group of men that was against them. The elected Tea Party Governors than implemented sweeping radical agendas on their state’s governments, permanently impairing their oppositions fundraising bases. This will allow the Koch Brothers to make more and more money as they make people more and more dependent on their goods until they agree to abandon hope and embrace fear.

This all happened on our watch. Most of you were too busy buying organic milk from the farmers market or talking about how cool your androgynous, uninspired, and ill-fitting clothes looked to care about anything of real importance and because of your error we live in a country that is about to implode like a dying star.

 The American Dream is dead and we killed it with our apathy. Your no good liberal parents refused to raise you in the church and because of that you were never exposed to the dangers of fear. Any good Presbyterian boy like myself  can tell you that they have seen firsthand that those who surrender to the fear allow themselves to be manipulated into indentured servants who blindly hand over their hard-earned money for a feeling of protection from the change that swirls around them, threatening to destroy the bubble they have worked so hard create. Only those who acknowledge the fear but choose to live above it are rewarded with eternal happiness.

Fear is the main factor in every decision we make. We live our lives sweating our debts and hoping a savior will rise from the streets to show us a new way. However, we shouldn’t be searching for a “new way”; we should be creating “our way.” In elementary school we were promised a new millennium in which we created a peaceful, prosperous world where the children of all nations could work together to build something positive. We abandoned our dreams and chose a life of convenience. We gave up on the good fight to play with our Iphones and for that we may never be forgiven. We laughed at Howard Dean for his scream after the 2004 Iowa Caucus and wrote him off. His ideas were brilliant and revolutionary and the Clinton Generation allowed the state run media to tell us he was not qualified. Shame on us.

History currently looks down at us for our callowness, but our future is unwritten. September 11th, 2011 marks a decade of our lives that we have spent ambling and shell-shocked by the unimaginable. We simply surrendered to the horrors of possibility and retreated for safety. We can change that. The generation of kids who idly sat by and tweeted can begin to shape political policies if we unite. The people who worked to get Obama elected were late 60’s domestic terrorists who realized they had to get organized and play the game if they wanted to see change. We can play the same game and we can play it better.

Get your shit together! Your hipster “I don’t care about anything, whatever” attitude is not genuine. You’re a slave to fear and you will never rise above it until you lose the bullshit persona. You are sad and depraved of courage. Your grandparent’s generation would look at you with disgust. You refused to fight for the freedoms taken away from you by the Patriot Act and you now revel in a society that is so afraid of privacy they post their every move on 4square using phones that the government can use to spy on you. You are so scared of living in a world not run by fear that you put down anything that gives you hope. You let rock and roll die and accepted crappy dance music and bluegrass as acceptable forms of art, therefore there are no rock stars to be the voice of a youth based revolt. This was all planned and you were too dumb to see it happening before your eyes. WAKE THE FUCK UP! You’re lazy pieces of shit and you make me ashamed to be in my twenties and white. You gave up on the American Dream and you’ll never know true love. YOU, hipsters of America, are EVERYTHING that is wrong with our fledgling society. Our nation is on the brink of collapse and you could care less. When push comes to shove and we all have to explain ourselves at least I can say that I tried to live above the fear, although to be honest, I will freely admit that I’ve accomplished nothing. What can you say for yourselves?

About the Author:

Chaz Bolte was born in the Steel City and graduated from the Slippery Rock University. He currently hates every band that you like and thinks you’re totally fucking lame. You can follow him on Twitter @chazbolte

Is The Wonder Years the most Emo TV Show of all time?

Is The Wonder Years the most Emo TV show of all time is a question that has been eloquently pontificated in many Emo historian roundtable debates and lecture series. The answer is yes.If you are looking at all the charecteristics that made up 90’s second wave Emo i.e. Sentimentalism, growing longing for youthful nostalgia, not getting over the girl who got away, going to the lake, than The Wonder Years, specifically the Episode: Back To The Lake has it. First off let’s talk about the show. The Wonder Years follows the life of Kevin Arnold, a kid growing up in the suburbs in the 1960’s, as told by a nostalgic narrator (Daniel Stern) who looks back fondly at his youth.

Wayne’s sheets!

Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers, the next day you’re gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house, like a lot of houses. A yard like a lot of other yards. On a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back…with wonder.

Is Weezer’s Pinkerton the Greatest Emo Album of All Time?

Weezer…..(long pause)……. Weezer is a band that could have changed music for the better but crumbled under their frontman’s insecurities and sold out to make the type of bland pop rock used to sell Olsen Twins movies. That was hard to say because in 1996 Weezer released its dark masterpiece Pinkerton that gave the world a  glimpse into the weird paranoia and perversion that was Rivers Cuomo’s  mind. I once read that Rivers Cuomo said that to him Pinkerton felt like the things you say drunken at a party that the next day you realize you can’t take back. After spilling his heart to the world he from that point on sang songs that portrayed no emotion at all.  He decided to make money and make videos with Muppets and for that I can’t blame him because until you realize that he (Cuomo) is actually embarrassed by Pinkerton you think it is fiction, but only the truth can elicit such a reaction.I mean no one would really come out and admit those things, right?

Wait, did he really say those things? At first i was just rocking out to the awesome riffs. “Tired of Sex” got me going and “Getchoo” and “No Other One”  seemed innocent enough for the subject, but then comes “Why Bother?”. A song about how he’d rather go home and masturbate than have to talk to a girl because he knows in the end it will only lead to pain. How defeatist. How neurotic. How Emo.

Now comes the view into Cuomo’s mind that he reveals that has to be what forever scared him into his cowardly crap future of a career, “Across The Sea”. This is probably the best song on the album and honestly is probably one of the top 5 Second Wave Emo songs of all time.

Now let’s clear something up for those who are going to argue with this, I know that overall Weezer cannot be listed as a Emo band. I argue that at this time in their career however they were in fact an emo band. Their debut Blue Album was weird, quirky, and ironic gem of indie rock out of the same New York scene that produced Second wave forefathers, Texas Is The Reason. But that’s another band for another time.

They had all the elements that made up Emo at that time. They were smart, Rivers was enrolled at Harvard. They sang about sentimental love with a hard rock edge. They even added Moog’s. They were Emo, admit it. They could have been the band that took Emo to the next level of popularity, but unfortunately for the scene and quite possibly the world they sold out.

Back to “Across The Sea”, so the ballad about his unrequited love for a teenage girl in Japan who has been sending him fan letters is probably one of the most honest songs of the 90’s. It’s dirty and perverted but it’s slightly hot. He is a Harvard man after all. A gentleman of the highest repute. You can always tell a Harvard man: Lusting after underage asian girls. So anyway the song gets weird right around here:

So I sniff (so I sniff)
And I lick (and I lick)
Your envelope and fall to little pieces every time
I wonder what clothes you wear to school
I wonder how you decorate your room
I wonder how you touch yourself
And curse myself for being across the sea

Hmmm…. the song catches itself before it goes to far and ends up with the best line of the album

As if I could live on words and dreams and a million screams
Oh, how I need a hand in mine to feel

But this song does it. This song single-handedly sinks the Emo ship. It’s the pinnacle of what had come to signify “Emo”. The ability to make people feel uncomfortable, because they saw the potential in the bands and realized that if the scene became mainstream people would have to be much more honest with each other in their everyday lives. Society reflects art and it would be hard to be so guarded of your emotions when every song on the radio is about the guilt a man feels about his lusting after underage asian girls. Harvard men. tisk tisk. The rest of the album is great, each song gets better and better until the beautiful acoustic ballad “Butterfly”. It was a good-bye song, but little did we know it was a good-bye to the world from the Rivers Cuomo we had grown to love. It was the beginning of the new Rivers Cuomo brand. Rule number one show no emotion.

Pinkerton is a shining example of how what was once panned as a failure both critically and financially can later be viewed on as a shining success. The album was later praised as one of the best of the 90’s and has influenced every cool band in the past decade.  Rolling Stone wrote a particularly negative review of it, Here’s a great article to read:

http://audio.tutsplus.com/articles/web-roundups/5-all-time-classic-albums-that-critics-despised/

In 1996 the world needed a new Kurt Cobain, many saw Rivers Cuomo as someone who could fill that role. He went Emo, rock and roll kids hated it, and he gave up. The kids never found another Cobain and rock and roll slowly died. Cuomo sat idly by collecting royalty checks while the scene became infiltrated with uninspired fear based crap and music no longer had meaning. He made a decision to live on the legacy of what he had done and cash in with catchy riffs. Now imagine  those riffs with lyrics that matched the same emotion and perversion of Pinkerton. The world would be a different place.

Rivers Cuomo ruined the rise of Emo. He ruined Music. He may have ruined the world. Everything after The Green Album in world history is crap. I’m not blaming Rivers Cuomo for 9-11, but maybe he could have created peace in the middle east and their would have been no need for it. He had that kind of potential and mind, but he used it to make money and nobody is better for it. Matt Sharp went on to work full-time with The Rentals, who are definitely one of the better Emo bands of the 90’s. He is the true victim of Rivers Cuomo’s fall because The Rentals, while adored, never came close to making the money Weezer does. *ugh* Weezer Pinkerton is like teenage sex in the backseat of your parents car. To remember it you face the risk of realizing that as great as it was in that moment you can probably never capture that moment again. 30 year olds having sex in a car in a high school parking lot after midnight are kind of icky and sad. 16 year olds doing the same thing are rebellious and enviable. That is the world Rivers Cuomo has left us in. Those damn Harvard men and their obsessions with underage asian girls. You can always tell a Harvard man.

It’s Emo Week!

It’s “Emo Week” at Absinthe and Kind Hearted Landlords where we will celebrate the 2 year heyday of the original “Emo” sub-genre. Not that Hawthorne Heights, wah wah wah i got raped by my uncle shit. good old emo like Reggie and the Full Effect, The Get Up Kids, The Promise Ring, The Anniversary, and ….well you’ll see. So Clinton Generation put on your nostalgia pants and remember how to smile and feel human emotion. You fucking soulless robots. Cheer Up! It’s fucking emo week!

My Girl vs. My Girl 2

So some may allready know this but the movie My Girl makes me openly weep. It’s a fantastic period piece about a little girl named Vada Sultenfuss who lives in 1972 Pennsylvania and lives with her father and grandmother in a funeral home. During that crazy summer she experiences emotional highs and lows. Being a tomboy and being the daughter of a funeral director makes it hard for her to fit in with the girls in her town so she spends the summer with her friend Thomas J. (Mccaulay Caulkin).They have magical childhood adventures until one day Thomas J. dies trying to retreive the mood ring her dead mother gave her after they lost it throwing rocks at beehives (which is some total dumbass shit, don’t fuck with bees dumdums all they do is make honey and kill little children, duh) sidenote: this movie fucking scared the shit out of me when i was younger because i am also allergic to bee stings and i was certain i was gonna die if i went into the woods with a girl which tottaly fucked me out of some blowies as teenager, moving on. so she loses her shit and makes a scene at Thomas J.’s funeral because he doesn’t have his glasses on He doesn’t need them dummy your unrequitted love killed him.  And than she learns to move on. so there is a brief synopsis.  if you need more convincing here are 5 reasons My Girl is mega tits.

Vada’s Uncle ~ his advice to harry about how to romance ladies in the women’s lib age is great. and when harry threatens Shelly’s ex husband at the 4th of july picnic he steals the movie with the line ,” he’s an animal

The taglineWhen your Dad’s an undertaker, your Mom’s in heaven, and your Grandma’s got a screw loose…it’s good to have a friend who understands you. Even if he is a boy.  what the shit does this mean. Thomas J. is getting the rub from this pricktease. Thomas J. is the hero of this story and he banged mila kunis for like 8 years so come the fuck on.

Vada’s teacher  Mr. Jake Bixler~ Griffin Dunne is f wording awesome and a bunch of other curse words. He was in the Pickle which is a weirdo movie. he was also Tommy Kelly in Johnny Dangerously which is amazing and stars pittsburgh’s own and father of the eyebrow acting technique Michael Keaton ( who’s real name is michael douglas). He was also a main charecter in an american warewolf in london which somebody told me was good once but i didn’t trust their opinion because they were a total turdcutter.

Anna Chlumsky ~ That’s a good polish girl name and a couple of years later she ended up pretty hot but she never showed her tits and everyone knows you’ll never make it unless you show your tits kid.But she is really funny in the movie and i guess you shouldn’t talk about hot ladies when they were younger. That would be like saying i would totally fuck drew Berrymore she’s so hot and shit in charlie’s angels and e.t. if you say that your going to hell. and not the hell you go to for not paying your parking tickets or having curly hair. the hell you go to for molesting animals or being daniel tosh.

The writing class ~ the writing class that vada steals money out of Shelly’s camper to take is super fucking funny and filled with hippies. this is where she also unveils her first story an ode to ice cream. But the best part is when they are in a circle trying to feel eachother’s aura’s and the slutty hippy chick gets a little into the guy that not her boyfriend and than her boyfriend  Justin tries to make it more innocent by including vada which leads to the best joke in the movie.

Justin: Feel my aura.
Vada Sultenfuss: I don’t think I’m allowed to.

So anyway My girl is mega tits but my girl 2 is fucking stupid. Basically i remember she shaves her legs because she goes to california and she meets a new guy that makes her forget all about thomas J. who she fucking killed! the only sequel i would find acceptable would be vada sitting in her room wishing she didn’t kill her mother and best friend and pretending she’s sick with a killer soundtrack. Why even make my girl 2? did they make a little giants 2? NO! because little giants is perfect and when the story is over i don’t feel there are any unresolved issues. sidenote Becky  icebox o’shea  from little giants grew up to be totally hot and did show her tits in a film. which is tits.

Being a Steelers Fan in Enemy Territory

By Chaz Bolte AFCNT.com writer (Originally published August 28th, 2010)

I was born and raised in Shaler, Pa just 15 minutes away from Heinz Field but I now reside in Denver, Co. Throughout the week I have had the odd experience of being a Steelers fan in enemy territory. This week has made me appreciate the fact that I was born into the Steeler Nation as I have heard radio stations publicly beg Broncos fans to not sell their tickets to Steelers fans. I have been told that, “the Steelers suck” by Broncos fans that seem to forget their two recent Super Bowl victories. But what I’ve realized most about the sports fans of Denver is they have no clue what it means to be a Steelers fan or why we live for it. They have never had the experience of driving to the North Side at 7 AM to find a $25 parking spot so they can set up their camping chairs and crack an Iron City while they cook brats and Polish Sausage on a tiny grill with the sounds of WDVE echoing from car to car. They’ve never been to a wedding or family reunion where the men can’t be found because they are in a backroom, shirts untucked, crowded around a 13’ TV waiving Terrible Towels. They’ve never been to a Penguin game in March and heard, “Here we go Steelers here we go!” echo through the igloo. They’ve never bought their 8-month old nephew their first terrible towel for Christmas. They’ve never done these things because they do not have the tradition we have.

I’ve sat in a Steelers bar in Boulder and watched web designers, lawyers, college students, and professors drink imported I.C. Light and fall back into their yinzer ways, smiling as they remember how much fun a simple football game gathering could be in Western Pennsylvania. People who have never met and may never see each other again are bonded as best friends as they wave terrible towels and remember a simpler time when Sunday meant food, friends, and football.  They share stories about their family’s ridiculous obsessions with the Steelers and laugh together about the superstitions they saw on a weekly basis. The first two times I saw my father cry where when the Penguins won their first Stanley Cup and when he thought the Steelers lost the 1995 AFC championship on Jim Harbaugh’s Hail Mary. Our Christmas decorations always include the Steelers season ticket holders Christmas card signed by the team and the Rooney’s. Broncos fans can never understand these types of things because it is a world that does not exist to them.

While there are die-hard Broncos fans they are both few and far between and noting compared to the black and gold loyalists.  I give the Broncos fans credit because they truly believe that Tim Tebow will be their savior and the next John Elway. When his name comes up in conversation I don’t have the heart to ruin their enthusiasm for their 3rd string QB by telling them I think that he will be a flop and that many people will lose their jobs because of his selection.  They live in a paradox of reality in which the Broncos always have a chance to win the Super Bowl, much like Steelers fans. but less fact based. They try to have the traditions we have, but cannot because tradition is something Denver lacks. For all of it’s natural beauty and modern luxuries Denver is a town of transplants, many of whom wish to still root for their hometown teams. But the question I get asked the most is, “Why don’t you switch teams now that you live in Denver?”

ESPN 1250′s Ken Laird Risks Reputation with Arians News

Yesterday ESPN Radio 1250 AM Pittsburgh personality Ken Laird broke the story that Steelers Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians would soon be fired. He cited inside sources that told him the personnel move was imminent. However since the news broke there have been questions on the legitimacy of the report. The Steelers, who today fired offensive line coach, Larry Zierlein, have publicly said that no decision will be made until Coach Tomlin conducts all end of season exit interviews this week. So does Laird know something we don’t or is he risking his reputation by making a prediction and hoping it comes true so it looks as if he was the first to know?
Many Steeler fans have been quick to blame Arians for the teams struggles this season. Many have called for his removal, but if you really look at the situation was the defense not more at fault? Steeler nation loves the run first philosophy that has dominated Pittsburgh football for the past 4 decades and Arians pass happy offense goes against the fans wishes. However the Arians led offense produced the Steelers first 4,000 yard passer this season in Ben Roethlisberger and produced a pair of 1,000 yard receivers in Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes. Arians situational play calling was often questionable and his third and short sweep at the end of the Chiefs game may have been the worst play called this year. Overall, Arians had an average year. He is popular with many of the veterans on the offensive side of the field and especially with Big Ben. If he were to be fired it would not come as a shock to most but to think it is mandatory is foolish.
Laird may have jumped the gun to further his own career by banking on the notion that they will find a new coordinator in the off season. But, he also risks his reputation amongst the Steelers inner circle who may now see him as someone they cannot trust with information. If it turns out to be true Laird may prove to be an above average journalist who got the scoop on a shakeup far before everyone else. If it is false Laird’s reputation as a journalist will be comparable to that of TMZ gossip columnist. Either way Laird has gambled his career on this story and those who gamble rarely come out ahead.

About the Author: Chaz Bolte is a 2008 Graduate of Slippery Rock University of Pennsylvania where he earned a B.S. in Communication ~ Emerging Technolgy and Multimedia. At SRU he served as host of the weekly sports show “Pittsburgh Talk” on WSRU~TV and as host of “The Chaz Bolte Radio Hour” on WRSK 88.1 FM. He is currently the Director of Broadcast and New Media for the Pittsburgh Phantoms of the American Basketball Association.