Sponge vs. Sunny Day Real Estate or An existential crisis on the meaning of the 90’s

I was talking to a college kid, he said the late 90’s/early 2000’s were probably weird.  He based it on this clip from the movie She’s All That.

So yeah, based just on this he was right.

We talked though.  It was interesting to get his perspective on things.  He said he didn’t really remember much before the year 2001.  I don’t remember much before 1990. We are 11 years apart in age.  It makes sense.

I went on a long rant in which I explained the positive nature of the 90’s, the optimism for the future, and the irrational fear of Y2K.  It helped me understand “the youth.” It helped him pass time as he performed his work study job of renting out film equipment at his college.

I continued my work day.

As the hours passed the splinter got deeper, the little thought on my mind that maybe I had spoken out of my ass on the 90’s.  The thought that the 90’s were nothing special, and I only remember them as being so because I was an optimistic young man living in the suburbs of a medium sized midwestern city and I didn’t know the reality of the world yet.

I started thinking about how many more records Sponge sold compared to Sunny Day Real Estate, and how anyone waxing nostalgic about 90’s music would go in depth to point out the importance of Sunny Day Real Estate while never mentioning The Flys, or Sponge, or any other crap L.A. band that sold millions of records and spent all their money on cocaine and impressing girls who were background actresses on Melrose Place, until they lost it all and had to manage a Guitar Center.

The truth is the truth.

According to the new truth, Wikipedia, Sunny Day real Estate’s Diary sold just over 231,000 copies.  According to this article Sponge’s Rotting Pinata sold over 1 million copies.

Yeah, one was corporate rock and the other was released on sub pop, i get it, but the point is the point.  In a capitalist world Sponge won.  In our nostalgic 90’s hearts Sunny Day Real Estate won.  So in the year 2016 who wins?  Who we want to be the winner or who made the most money?

And there you go, what was the reality of the 90’s?  Was it great?  Was it optimistic?  Do we remember it so fondly because we just really want to?

For every band barely scraping by, unwilling to bend on their artistic visions and values, that was inspired by Sunny Day Real Estate there is a band barely scraping by, trying their hardest to sell out as quickly as possible, who were inspired by Sponge.  In a world where everyone is equal, one is not better than the other.  However in the real world one is, and it is the band that was inspired by Sunny Day Real Estate.  Because corporate sell out music is for douchey hashtag visionaries and scarf wearers.

hipsterscarf
Hey pal, come see my band, we sound like #acraptakingacrap

Continue reading Sponge vs. Sunny Day Real Estate or An existential crisis on the meaning of the 90’s

The Time UFO’s Appeared Above Three Rivers Stadium and Altered The Course of History… For a Few People.

So…. I was on the internet and stumbled upon something and I felt the need to share it with you.  Supposedly in October of 1979 during a Steelers – Cowboys day game UFO’s appeared above Three Rivers Stadium and were visible on a national broadcast.  The announcers and crowd even took notice.

 

Just let that all sink in for a second…..

Well I wanted to believe so badly, but come on.  I made the assumption that these were the ranting words of a yinzer who had just been introduced to the internet in 2010.  He came on the internet, he told a story about the time he saw aliens during a Steelers game on a defunct Angelfire message board, he learned there was porn on the internet, he got real into it for like three days, and then his lady caught him and he wasn’t allowed to use the internet anymore.  That was it for him.  The only trace of his internet presence was a rant and it had somehow spiraled into an urban legend.

But then I saw it…. there was actual video of the broadcast.  Not only was there video but there was a man who had ufo-pittsburgh-steelers-dallas-cowboys-2been looking for it for years.  He goes by the handle InterjunctionEast and the video below is from his YouTube page.  If you like this story go and subscribe to his channel.  He seems like a pretty interesting dude.

Anyway Interjunction East found the video and posted it online and then he posted more…

First the video….Skip to around 50 seconds.  The gist is that the broadcast was on commercial break and suddenly cut back to the game.  On screen, clearly visible, are two UFO’s hovering above the stadium.  The broadcasters make mention of it and they go back to the game.  For the next minute or so there is a weird vibe in the stadium and an odd penalty occurs.

Towards the end they go back to the UFO’s and one announcer says, “There it is! Now what is that?”  The other announcer answers.. “it’s saying take me to your leader….I don’t know…”

 

For more clips of the UFO’s visit InterjunctionEast’s YouTube site.

 

The story is more interesting than that though, as it seems InterjunctionEast isn’t the only one who remembered.  While not much has been written about the event the story and video made its way to AboveTopSecret.com, and the person who posted the story who goes by the handle Elouina added some more details.

After the video resurfaced on YouTube in 2011 Elouina used them to craft her story.  She introduced the situation to the internet like this:

In 1979, I was told of a UFO being seen over 3 Rivers stadium. The man that told me was a neighborhood man that I chatted with sometimes. He told me to not tell a soul! And seemed very concerned that I kept my promise. But I was perplexed as to how a stadium UFO would be a secret. No one ever could provide any additional information. And I remained in the dark for over 30 years.

Elouina than finds another description that she found online in which another person had told a story about seeing UFO’s at the game.  I am posting this story below, but I am leaving it as is.  Pittsburgh is misspelled every time and as a native Pittsburgher it is hard to look at.  So is Steelers.  Also, it’s not really well written at all.  It’s better if you read the person’s actual writing though than read a version that I cleaned up.  This way it still has its “I might be a crazy person, but only maybe” charm.

Someone using the handle XPOSE UFO TRUTH 1970’s wrote:

I was watching the game on TV in Santa Barbara CA. between the Pittsburg Stealers and Dallas Cowboys in October 1979 from Three Rivers Stadium Pittsburg PA. During a commercial break around the 2 minute warning while Chuck Conners was sales pitching a toy gun, the commercial was cut abruptly and the picture went back to the stadium. The screen showed a metallic disk (10-30 ft.) spinning like a coin (1-2 rev per sec) on a table at height about equal to the top of the stadium. Pat Summerall’s excited voice came on saying “We don’t know what it is we are showing you…it just appeared in the sky”. He repeated several time “I can’t believe what I am seeing”. Tom Brookshire ,the color man, said “Oh that…that’s just an illusion”. Summerall disagreed and said “Well if they land, they’re gonna say “take me to your leader”. The crowd got very quiet…you could hear a pin drop in the place. A penalty was called on a Dallas player because he failed to get into his stance …was just looking up at the sky. Pittsburg was winning 14 to 3…they had the ball and were running out the clock. The game ended with the camera on the disk till the end. I never heard or read a word about in any media. I didn’t want the game to end…I wanted to keep looking at the disk. I felt sad when the picture changed. I was attracted to it some strange way. It changed the way I look at life and the creedance I give our government and media.

 

This is the first mention that I saw of language such as “It changed the way I look at life and the credence I give our government and media.”  It was not the last.

On a blog called BravoNewWorld an unnamed blogger lays out a case that after the story resurfaced a half decade ago the media and government used WTAE’s Sheldon Ingram in a disinformation campaign, basically arguing that Sheldon-Ingram-jpgIngram was doing the bidding of the illuminati and media and you know, whoever it is that owns them.  They end their rant, which also uses the video from InterjunctionEast as evidence, by saying “Question Everything.”

Here is the WTAE “cover up” story and here is BravoNewWorld’s blog post:

It was only a matter of time. Once a recording of live NFL coverage of two UFOs over a 1979 match up between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Dallas Cowboys hit YouTube, there was bound to be a coverup in the local media for the Pittsburgh market.

Uncharacteristic of a television news station, a story completely bereft of video has shown up on their website.  The focus of the story is an interview with Bridgeville resident Scott Wethli who claims his uncle invented kites fashioned from mylar designed to look like UFOs, and that the objects in the video are those very kites. 

“This is a UFO kite,” Wethli said. “It’s intended to look like a UFO, exactly.”

“The ones he flew over the stadium are the ones he’s made, with that Mylar,” Wethli said. “That’s why they’re shiny up there.”

There’s no video or image supplied by WTAE.com for their viewers’ reference.  If there were, they’d immediately be confused.  Those two objects were clearly emitting rapid flashes of actual light in a constant pattern, not just reflecting the sun as their alleged mylar surfaces twisted randomly in the wind.  In fact, the footage suggests these objects were traveling at a decent clip.  Did Wethli’s uncle pull them behind his car?

Honestly, a few good points, but perhaps more interesting is that the only comments on the site are from InterjunctionEast, who wrote:

Interjunctioneast here… Fancy finding this article. You know, after this event happened, I was told by a confidant, that this was the real deal. And that the government was involved. And to never tell a soul that I knew this. Thus why I searched so hard for the video many years later. Which BTW, was very difficut to find. Most games from that era were a breeze to find. The UNCUT version of this one, very difficult… Yes I say uncut since the UFO’s were cut from my first copy. I am still on the fence about this. Kites, or not kites….

 

And I don’t know… maybe that is just where it ends.

 

Some people think they saw a UFO in 1979 during a Pittsburgh Steelers game, and for some of those people it really had a profound effect.  I don’t know what happened, but I really don’t think that a dude from Bridgeville named Scott Wethli knows either. That’s not saying anything bad about Scott or Bridgeville, it’s just saying that there is no evidence and therefore it remains unidentified and it was flying and it is an object.  So…… it’s a U.F.O.

 

And honestly its kind of weird… and that is how far I am willing to dig into it because I understand the people who wrote the stories used above.  They thought it was weird and then they thought about it too long, and then they got weird about it.

 

It happens.

 

Somewhere, right now, no matter what time it is, no matter what day it is when you are reading this somebody somewhere on this earth is having an experience they can’t explain.  In fact multiple people in multiple locations are sharing this experience of not being able to explain what they are seeing.  Some will brush it off and some will always look for the answer until they lose it in a sea of all that is unexplained.  It’s really all up to the individual.

 

In reality, this story wasn’t about the UFO’s.  It was about InterjunctionEast and his perseverance.  They saw something.  They took note of it.   It had an effect on them. They never dismissed their gut reaction and eventually they found evidence.  That evidence caused other people to come forward and now the world knows….. something.

 

Whether you believe it is that UFO’s floated above Three Rivers Stadium in 1979 or if it’s that you believe people believe that UFO’s floated above Three Rivers Stadium in 1979…. that is what is up to you.  What do you believe and why?  What do you know that you are right about and what are you willing to never question?  What is your UFO above Three Rivers Stadium and how long are you willing to go to find the truth?

 

 

You Know What I Heard

You know what I heard…  by Joey Brunowizcki

Joey Brunowizcki ~ Bellvue's third fattest Joey
Joey Brunowizcki ~ Bellvue’s third fattest Joey

You know what I heard????

I heard that Tim Tebow’s gonna retire and then become like the Senator of Florida and then like Vice President,  and then President you know because of the illuminati, and than one day Jesus is gonna come down and say “let Tim Tebow be the quarterback of any team he pleases for as long as he pleases, pleases says Jesus” and than he’s gonna go back to heaven I guess.

I don’t know I just heard it in line to buy my numbers down at Gino’s, that little place on the corner of aaaaa….. it used to be called main street but now its like….. Martin Clinton X Way or something liberal and you know it’s where that car blew up from the dog farts, you know combustication of various combustables, simultaneously carbonating in harmony, they had that spaghetti dinner and Lenny Warsack’s daughter sang that song about the mouse that touched Michael Jackson and made him weird. Anyway that team ain’t gonna go to the playoffs until Tim Tebow dies because he ain’t no good at quarterback.

Brothers Brassnooch Plan “Hella420Fest ’99”

The Brassnooch family, the Kennedy’s of Bloomfield, are viewed fondly throughout the ‘Burgh for their loveable yinzer shit. With the family about to go on a self-imposed media blackout during Doug “Dookie” Brassnooch’s eventually unsuccessful write-in mayoral campaign, the oldest surviving member of the family Donny, 37 Bloomfield, granted SPR the final interview before November’s inevitable disapointment. I was invited to the families basement on Wednesday night to observe their planning session for their famous “Hella420Fest ’99” to be held this Friday. In attendance where Donny, Danny, Dookie, Darren, Derek, Dan, Damon, Dresden and their wacky neighbor Gordie. In the upstairs kitchen where their fat wives, in order: Missy, Pregnant Lucy, Short Kathy, Chubby Cindy, Medium Kathy, Helvetica, Squirrel and Cathy with a C. Their wacky neighbor Gordie is a confirmed and dedicated lifelong bachelor.

Hella420Fest ’99 is a legendary ruckus in Bloomfield and has drawn the attention of the police in every year since it’s 1985 inception except 2002, when the Brassnooch family vowed to not hold the event until Osama Bin Laden was captured. That lofty goal was abandoned shortly after. Originally known as Hella420Fest, the title added the ’99 in 2000. according to Donny,

1999 was the most legendary Hella420Fest we ever had. We were all doing fairly well. Dookie was holding down the family finances working the night shift at the Eat and Park washing dishes. we were big believers in y2k. We saved up all our cash and made a bunker. Than you know, it didn’t happen. We spent all our money on beans and guns and IC light pounders. Things have never been the same for the Brassnooch’s. So we decided to forver pretend it was still 1999.

what they were making —

The Brassnooch brothers manned the makeshift assembly creating goods for their annual fesitval of debouchary. Among the projects was a 6 foot bong made of an old potato cannon that they called “Alexander the Bong”. A party bong was created for the clock strike of 4:20 PM out of an old City of Pittsburgh recycling bin and some copper tubing they stole from a construction site. Dresden was deseeding the three pounds of Mexican brick Weed needed to pack the weed smoking device.

Danny and Darren were hard at work in the other corner creating their now famous “420 Juice” which was a garbage bin filled with I.C. Light, Ten bottles of Richard’s Wild Irish Rose, 2 bottles of Gin, and a Watermellon.

Those not busy on party devices were painting signs for their brother Dookie’s write-in campaign. The team has decided to go with the slogan “Vote for Dookie: or Donny won’t sell you pot no more”but have decided it is just a working title.
Danny Brassnooch took a break to taste the 420 Juice and I got to ask him about his thoughts on the new wave of urban pioneeers moving to Bloomfield

These kids and their fancy pants. Look, if you wanna come down here to Bloomfield and be a fancypants, I say come on down and be the best fancypants you can be, just don’t pee on my camaro. They come down here, have like 3 beers and can’t handle it and start peeing all over my car. Not in my town jerkoff. That’s why I’m making Dookie run for Mayor so he can redd up this town.

The Hella420Fest ’99 is scheduled to be held at the Brasnooch estate on 43rd 1/2 street by the old pig slaughterhouse. All of Bloomfield will be ther allthough very few will be actually invited. At 4:20 PM the Brassnooch family will have a memorial for their brother Dominique, who passed away earlier this year in a tragic horse truck accident. His remains were made into a giant snake that will be lit off at exactly 4:20 and capture Bloomfield’s attention until 4:21 when people start talking about the Penguins game again.

The Long Haired Aging Man at the Robert Plant Show in Prospect Park had the Greatest Time of All.

At one point I had the ultimate experience.  I could just see it all and was like woah.”

That is what he said.

He said it to two other old guys who walked up to him hoping to see what he was seeing.

Through a small break in the fencing at the end of the line of the portajohns that made up the back perimeter of the Prospect Park Bandshell the long-haired man stared into his binoculars and watched Robert Plant.  He was the happiest man in the Park.

I noticed him halfway through the concert.  We too were on the outside looking in, enjoying the show for free.  However we were under a tree with pastel party cups filled with Rolling Rock and an array of fine meats and cheeses.  We were accompanied by a Beagle puppy.

Not my man.

He had an old Led Zeppelin T-shirt on, well-worn from years of following his childhood heroes, and a long mane of gray, white and formerly brown hair.  I would guess he had seen Led Zeppelin many times before.  He had experience.  He brought nothing with him  that would weigh him down.  He was armed with only binoculars.  There is a chance he got onto public transportation with them around his neck both before and after the show.

photo

I think I saw the point of the evening that he referred to as the “ultimate.”  It may have been right after I first noticed him.  He had made connection, he found his sweet spot.  I saw him adjusting the focus on his trusty binoculars.  I saw him bend his knees and find the perfect position.

Than he froze.

He was transfixed.  For that moment his dream of being front row for a Led Zeppelin show was a reality.  It was right there before his eyes.  It was as close as he would ever get. While at first I had worried about the man wondering if he was staring into a crack in the portajohns I soon realized he was not a pervert, he was a Led Zeppelin fan, and he was enjoying the night more than everyone else in the park that night could ever understand.

“Is Weezer’s Pinkerton the Best Emo Album of All Time?” Two Years Later

Two years ago today I published an article titled “Is Weezer’s Pinkerton the Best Emo Album of All TIme?” in the early weeks of trying to create a website called the Secret Party Room.  The website wasn’t successful, the article was.  In those two years everything has changed yet one constant has been that people contact me about the article wanting to talk about how Pinkerton made them feel.  It’s weird.

It’s been found residing in the deepest darkest crevices of the internet.  It’s been posted on Weezer message boards which has brought about international inquiries.  The whole reason I unlocked SPR (which is actually this site right now) is because I was getting so many requests to read the article.

Two years have passed and it hasn’t gone away and because of that I would consider it the most successful thing i’ve written.  Other pieces have been read by many more people, but no one reacted to them, especially in the prolonged manner as they did to the Weezer piece.

Part of that seems to be because of the nostalgia that comes with Weezer from a generation who has seen music go to shit or at least some type of fecal matter that doesn’t interest them.  If you liked Weezer in 1998 what do you like now?  Why do you like it?  Do you like anything?

For me the article is drenched in nostalgia for a time in which I had just moved to New York and wanted to become a writer.  Since then it has happened and it isn’t really the glorious trade I believed it to be when blessed with the good fortune of ignorance towards the situation.  It’s still pretty great though.  If your still reading I’ve already accomplished something.  In an age of instant gratification and attention spans measured in nanoseconds I’ve coerced you to read  five paragraphs.  The average news article read by the average reader would end right here.

pinkertonOh you’re still here? Well than, lets talk about Weezer.  After rereading the original article I still believe that Pinkerton is the greatest Emo album of all time.  For the exact same reasons.  However I realize that the main point I was trying to make two years ago was buried in the deepest levels of subtext. Weezer disappointed many of their fans and for a large percent of that demographic it was the first time they had to break up with a band.  It was too much and we were too young.  Sellouts had to be rejected.  Little did we know what was on the horizon.  The end of the music industry as it had been for decades came about because of the Internet and music lovers ability to download music illegally much easier than buying it traditionally.

In the age of mp3 players and Winamp it was much easier to get an album P2P than it was to find it at the lone record store left in your town and pay $15 for a clunky product that you needed to take various steps to put in a format that allowed you to listen at your convenience.  The music industry moved slower than technology, hung over from their decade of cocaine excess and long nights partying with Lit predicting that their success had no expiration.  Wrong.  Only rap music got it right and they did that by realizing kids buy their music and that you had to find a way to get it directly to them.

There were no rock and roll mix tapes or compilations.  The entire Internet was a compilation and more choices meant more bands which meant more crap which meant a mediocre final product.

This is what I wanted to touch on in 2011 and perhaps I just wasn’t ready.  Pinkerton was my great young love and The Green Album was the breakup that inevitably followed.  Part of me has never gotten over the Green album and how much I didn’t like it.  How foolish I felt for loving Pinkerton so much and how I had to admit that maybe I had over hyped the whole thing.  It was the Kelly Bray of albums.  It was that first love that was so perfect that upon competition you had to think maybe it wasn’t perfect at all, and maybe you don’t know what perfect is, and maybe nothing will ever be perfect.

However just like that first love as an adult you realize you weren’t wrong at all for giving your heart to a band that moved you andJordan-Catalano-My-So-called-Life-adnks101-niks95-24747769-500-351 maybe how you felt at the time was dead on.  It’s all about the moment and in that moment Weezer’s Pinkerton was the best shit I had ever heard.  It is still really good, but perhaps because of the nostalgia surrounding it.  Perhaps because when I hear it I can picture myself sitting in my parent’s basement listening to it on headphones not knowing that life wasn’t going to stay that simple and joyous forever.

Breaking up with a band is perhaps worse than breaking up with a girl when you are young because young love doesn’t know the temporary nature of itself.  Young lovers know love through the lens of Romeo and Juliet and My So Called Life,  young music fans aren’t aware that bands sell out.  Or more specifically they beleive it won’t happen to them and their band.  Like the neighbor on local news who after the teenage girl next door is busted selling Oxycontin to her gym teacher says “I would never believe this could happen here!”  It happens everywhere and it happens with every band and it happens with every relationship.  True love is eternal, but general love has an expiration date.

Weezer was different.  Weezer wasn’t very dark, but they were,  just in a completely different way.  While Soundgarden was singing “Alive in the superunknown. First it steals your mind And then it steals your soul”  Weezer was singing “I want a girl who laughs for no one else, When I’m away she puts her makeup on the shelf.” (Soundgarden superunknown and Weezer’s Blue album came out months apart)  Both are different shades of dark.  Soundgarden is a very literal blackness, their words are what they mean.  Chris Cornell literally wants you to know that the superunknown will steal your mind before it steals your soul.  Both will be stolen in that order and that is it there is no explanation why.  However with Weezer there is a lingering question of “Why do you want the girl you like to pretend she doesn’t exist unless you are in her presence?”  “Why do you have an inability to trust women when they are out of sight?”In 1998 Soundgarden was passing their expiration date, yet who would have thought Weezer wouldn’t stay fresh forever?

Pinkerton exists in a sea of why.  “Why is this so dark, you just made a really successful album?”  Pinkerton is an album that perfectly describes the college experience and rightfully so as Cuomo wrote it while attending Harvard.  College for the modern white male is a time of exploration, dissatisfaction, acceptance, comfort, and then rejection, in that order.  So is Pinkerton.  Now in 2013 at the age of 30 I can view Cuomo’s career as a success, simply because he made those first two albums.  Even if I think everything he made after was poo, now I know it doesn’t matter because those first two albums where just so impressive.  Artists don’t do that anymore, at least not with me, they don’t captivate people, they don’t make people think I want to sound like this guy when I play.  Maybe they do, but I am one who learns from heartache and The green album is a perfect example of musical heartache.

Pinkerton was the last moment of me being a music fan and the Green album was the beginning of me liking music.  I was never going to put as much heart into a band again, I couldn’t handle the let down, just as no one sits by the land line at the age of 30 hoping their girlfriend will call.  It took me until the age of 30 to see why Pinkerton meant so much to me.  Here I am with a back that feels like it is made of particle board and runny dog shit, a knee that pops when I stand up, and grey hairs popping up at an alarming rate, but I really can’t complain.  I did a few things so far in my life and that is impressive because some people never accomplish a thing.  Some musicians never write a song that anyone wants to hear.  Some musicians never get to even play a show.

 Weezer made two great albums and we should all be thankful.  They made a multitude of crap and everyone should let them be. Like young love it wasn’t going to last forever and they were getting older themselves.

So here I am two years later and I am still making my case for Pinkerton being the greatest emo album of all time, only this time I’m doing so to fight for the young man who wanted to be a writer who had something to say.  He doesn’t really come out very much anymore, he’s tired after a long series of long days work, but when he does he is ready to go fight for what is audibly right.  Even if he has never gotten over that first time a band let him down in a way only girls had before.

Me and Asian Bon Jovi Down by the Schoolyard

Each weekend I leave behind the everyday problems of Bloomfield and go on a walkabout.  Like Caine in Kung Fu I journey and meet people from other towns.  Last Saturday my walkabout led me to the Somewhere Inn Lawrenceville where I met a man I would proceed to call Asian Bon Jovi and escorted him to Millvale where he spends his Saturday afternoons selling bootlegged anime DVD’s to teenagers from the North Hills.

The only known picture of Asian Bon Jovi
The only known picture of Asian Bon Jovi

Asian Bon Jovi speaks little english and I believe he may not have the proper papers to work in America, but I trust him and I would likely die for him.  His 5 foot 7 frame evenly distributes his 126 pounds and his Metallica Speed of Sound Tour T-shirt waves like a flag of impending doom and rebellion in the cool Lawrenceville breeze.

We walked to my storage unit under the R.D. Flemming bridge where I brought my unopened crate of bootlegged “Avoid Lloyd” T shirts from the 1994 Steelers season into the light, hoping this might finally be the day I see a return on this investment.  Asian Bon Jovi knew a guy in Sharpsburg who could pick us up at the Circle K and drive us to Millvale if we gave him 5 anime DVD’s.

He introduced himself as Gizzler and was 45 minutes late.  He took 8 whipits during the 10 minute drive to Millvale.  At one point he pulled over to make sure he did not “mess his pants” and then got back in the car and sharted, clicking on the child safety locks so that no one could put their window down.

I did not like his taste in music either as he was emphatic in his distaste for New Jack Swing, a genre I have grown quite fond of now since I purchased my first CD player in january.  It was a genre that never really made it to the used cassette of Record Exchange.  So I never really heard of it.

Gizzler disappeared into the hills of Reserve Township and did not return to pick us up at 4 as he promised.  He was a real renob.

We arrived in Millvale and said nothing.  We set up shop at the weird intersection of Grant and North next to the schoolyard at Holy Spirit Parish and did our best to blend in with the locals.

Asian Bon Jovi had a line of pale lanky teenagers waiting for him.  I did my best to not pick on the little goony weirdos as to not hurt my new friends reputation in the bootleg community as a professional.

Continue reading Me and Asian Bon Jovi Down by the Schoolyard

One Mans Mission To Bring Back Renob

Every once in a while in the ho-hum routine that becomes adult life something small gives you hope that things will still be funny even though you are increasingly feeling out of the loop.  These tiny victories are what life becomes when you turn 30.  These moments when you actually get to enjoy things for a second.  Today I saw that T.J. Lane, fresh off of bringing “sike” out of its decades long hibernation this past winter, has started the spring with an attempt to bring back the word renob.

Shout it from the mountain tops and let its majestic tone bring joy into the valleys, renob is back.

renobOf all the words at all the times it just had to be renob.  I don’t know if we’ve ever lived in an era that has spawned so many renobs.  I ask you a very serious question, what is with people today and their total renob attitudes?  I know that you know what I mean.  Maybe you have never had a name to place on that certain something that turns you off about all the renobs this nation seems to produce, but now you do.  Call them renobs, unless they are total renobs.

You know the type and you know him well.  I say he because  I have yet to meet a female renob, but the problem with renobs is that they can often hide in plain sight.  There may be a lady renob somewhere, but I don’t know her and I don’t intend on going out of my way to find her.  Most renobs are male of the bro and dude type.  However they don’t quite fit those labels because they are not very cool.  They dress one way and act another.  Nothing they say is interesting and most of it is just rehashed renob talking points about renob subjects.  They only smoke the worst shit and they drink lukewarm beer.  They think everything is “bunk” and order their steaks well done with extra ketchup.  They also put ketchup on their eggs (“Oh no I do that!” is what you just said if you’re a renob.  Congrats, you just failed the renob test.) Anyway,

They listen to Master P because they just heard about him.  They fart in front of hot girls they have no chance with and blame it on you.  They flirt with your family members and they yell shoot the puck at Penguins games.  Oh renobs, the forgotten cousin of the beat ass and the close friend of the total doucher, we know you well and your time is coming to an end.  You will be called out, in parking lots of grocery stores and from the cars behind you on the highway as you text your best friend Cambone.  You will hear “you beat ass renob” and everyone will know what that means and they’ll look at you and say that guy really is a beat ass renob For that you can thank TJ Lane, who was brave enough to bring back renob so that we could all call people it again.

Thank you TJ for doing the right thing and restoring relevance to a term that we dearly missed in our popular lexicon.

Dictated by Danny Brassnooche, Edited by Chinese Dave, Written by Pregnant Lucy and Triple Terry under the influence of Triple C’s

"TJ Lane is the Man" `~ Everyone
“TJ Lane is the Man” `~ Everyone