The Pittsburgh Dream Team

Happy Birthday Pittsburgh!  Looking sexy at 200 I must say…


As part of the birthday podcast I am doing the Pittsburgh Dream Team, think 92′ Olympics basketball team made up of non-athletes from Pittsburgh who play other city’s squads in a rock and jock basketball style tournament.

For more in-depth analysis on this team check out the podcast.  Here is the roster announcement, for those who are interested in the roster that we put forward for my imaginary tournament.

Here it is.  The roster, front office and all…

Center: Jeff Goldblum: West Mifflin/Chaos U (Prep to Pro)


Standing 6 foot 4 out of Chaos U.  Jeff Goldblum!  Holding down the front court is one of America’s true treasures, repping Pittsburgh in the perfect way, by never mentioning it and just being a cool ass dude.

Power Forward: Dan Cortese: Quaker Valley/UNC


With the rock and jock format the Pittsburgh Dream Team’s biggest advantage may be having Mr. Rock and Jock himself.  Former backup quarterback at UNC and ageless heart-throb, Dan Cortese is Pittsburgh’s Stamos, and I feel like he could bring down some boards while winking at broads.

Small Forward: Wiz Khalifa: Taylor Alderdice/(Prep to Pro)


He’s really from North Dakota, but he calls Pittsburgh home, so he can play the three.  He’s lanky, he can probably ball, and he can take the away teams out the night before games to give us the home court advantage.

Shooting Guard: Michael Keaton: Montour/Kent State


Intensity personified, the king of all eyebrow actors Michael Douglas, yes his real name is Michalel Douglas, is our two guard.  I bet he can shoot, he gets into it at Pirates games.  He was the best Batman (fact not opinion).  Keaton is my favorite of all Pittsburgh celebs.

Point Guard: Mark Cuban: Mt. Lebanon/Indiana


Dude is boss. Genius, leader, strong knowledge of basketball, entertaining. leader, visionary.  All adjectives that describe both a point guard and Mark Cuban.  Also bonus points for funding the whole thing


Mac Miller: Winchester-Thurston/Taylor Alderdice

I don’t know….Mac Miller would get a spot.  He’s a white rapper.  That’s a thing.  He seems nice.  Every team needs a victory cigar.  He could help Wiz with hospitality.

Donnie Iris:New Castle/Slippery Rock University

The King of Cool is a little old, but I bet he still can board.  long wingspan.  solid defender? I don’t know I’ve never seen the dude ball.  He’s got the Kurt Rambis glasses though and he is beloved.  He’s on the team.

Dennis Miller: Keystone Oaks/Point Park

The team needs some snark.  It needs a loud mouth.  It needs an agitator.  Dennis Miller is in.  He also gives the team some street cred with his Point Park alumni status.  I mean who doesn’t fear a Point Park grad?

Greg Gillis: Chartiers Valley/Case Western Reserve

Basketball is chemistry.  Girl Talk was a chemist.  He will bring the celebs.  He will spin the after parties.  I wouldn’t be shocked if he had a decent range.

Zachary Quinto: Upper Saint Clair/Carnegie Mellon

So I did not know dude was from Pittsburgh, I assumed he was a permanent resident of the Hamptons.  No, not that Hampton, the Hamptons.  Dude is tall. Dude is likeable.  Dude is on the team.

Joe Manganiello: Mt. Lebanon/Carnegie Mellon

So…this is a very famous gent, and I have no clue who he is, but we need some dudes.  The next level of Pittsburgh celeb is the fat guy from Mike and Molly who is really a Floridian and the guy who won the joe Schmo Show.  So this guy.  Who seems really famous.

Front Office:

President/CEO: Gov. John Kasich


McKees Rocks own and the only normal republican, John Kasich loses the nomination but gets his dream job of running my fictional basketball team that will play in a fictional Rock and Jock basketball tournament.

Director: George Romero

You can’t leave old George out, but I don’t see what he does…. so he is just the Director.

Director of Social Media: @PSAMP

PSAMP!!! PSAMP!!! PSAMP!!! the greatest human being on Twitter runs our social media feeds, bartends team events, and curates our playlist.

Strength and conditioning coach: Kurt Angle


I wish he could play center, but no athletes.  Kurt Angle is pretty awesome.  He can beef up dudes like Wiz and Donnie Iris.  Bonus points for being our secret weapon in bench clearing brawls.

Fanboy/Diabetes spokesman: Bret Michaels

Dude is kind of from Butler, which isn’t really Pittsburgh, so its kind of hard, but let’s be honest….he’d find a way to be involved.  So this is his position.  He was born for it.

Announcers: Mark Madden, John Clayton, Spencer’s cousin Pat Gallagher

This is an ELITE broadcast team.  First off Double M, the super genius, can be the main guy and host the pre and post show.  John Clayton can provide the deep analysis, and spencer’s cousin Pat Gallagher who hosts wrestling Newz and Viewz on Butler county public access is dedicated and deserves a spot as the third guy.

Retired numbers: Fred Rogers, Gene Kelly, Andy Warhol

They are dead, but not forgotten, they get banners in the rafters.


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