The Brassnooch family, the Kennedy’s of Bloomfield, are viewed fondly throughout the ‘Burgh for their loveable yinzer shit. With the family about to go on a self-imposed media blackout during Doug “Dookie” Brassnooch’s eventually unsuccessful write-in mayoral campaign, the oldest surviving member of the family Donny, 37 Bloomfield, granted SPR the final interview before November’s inevitable disapointment. I was invited to the families basement on Wednesday night to observe their planning session for their famous “Hella420Fest ’99” to be held this Friday. In attendance where Donny, Danny, Dookie, Darren, Derek, Dan, Damon, Dresden and their wacky neighbor Gordie. In the upstairs kitchen where their fat wives, in order: Missy, Pregnant Lucy, Short Kathy, Chubby Cindy, Medium Kathy, Helvetica, Squirrel and Cathy with a C. Their wacky neighbor Gordie is a confirmed and dedicated lifelong bachelor.
Hella420Fest ’99 is a legendary ruckus in Bloomfield and has drawn the attention of the police in every year since it’s 1985 inception except 2002, when the Brassnooch family vowed to not hold the event until Osama Bin Laden was captured. That lofty goal was abandoned shortly after. Originally known as Hella420Fest, the title added the ’99 in 2000. according to Donny,
1999 was the most legendary Hella420Fest we ever had. We were all doing fairly well. Dookie was holding down the family finances working the night shift at the Eat and Park washing dishes. we were big believers in y2k. We saved up all our cash and made a bunker. Than you know, it didn’t happen. We spent all our money on beans and guns and IC light pounders. Things have never been the same for the Brassnooch’s. So we decided to forver pretend it was still 1999.
what they were making —
The Brassnooch brothers manned the makeshift assembly creating goods for their annual fesitval of debouchary. Among the projects was a 6 foot bong made of an old potato cannon that they called “Alexander the Bong”. A party bong was created for the clock strike of 4:20 PM out of an old City of Pittsburgh recycling bin and some copper tubing they stole from a construction site. Dresden was deseeding the three pounds of Mexican brick Weed needed to pack the weed smoking device.
Danny and Darren were hard at work in the other corner creating their now famous “420 Juice” which was a garbage bin filled with I.C. Light, Ten bottles of Richard’s Wild Irish Rose, 2 bottles of Gin, and a Watermellon.
Those not busy on party devices were painting signs for their brother Dookie’s write-in campaign. The team has decided to go with the slogan “Vote for Dookie: or Donny won’t sell you pot no more”but have decided it is just a working title.
Danny Brassnooch took a break to taste the 420 Juice and I got to ask him about his thoughts on the new wave of urban pioneeers moving to Bloomfield
These kids and their fancy pants. Look, if you wanna come down here to Bloomfield and be a fancypants, I say come on down and be the best fancypants you can be, just don’t pee on my camaro. They come down here, have like 3 beers and can’t handle it and start peeing all over my car. Not in my town jerkoff. That’s why I’m making Dookie run for Mayor so he can redd up this town.
The Hella420Fest ’99 is scheduled to be held at the Brasnooch estate on 43rd 1/2 street by the old pig slaughterhouse. All of Bloomfield will be ther allthough very few will be actually invited. At 4:20 PM the Brassnooch family will have a memorial for their brother Dominique, who passed away earlier this year in a tragic horse truck accident. His remains were made into a giant snake that will be lit off at exactly 4:20 and capture Bloomfield’s attention until 4:21 when people start talking about the Penguins game again.