Breaking: SCOTUS Declares Jose Tabata Not Lazy

WASHINGTON DC — In a groundbreaking decision Chief Justice John Roberts announced that the Supreme Court has declared that accusations that Pirates outfielder Jose Tabata are false and based in racial stereotypes. The 5-4 vote caused polarizing divide amongst Pirates fans, many of whom declared they will leave the country for the greener pastures of Canada. The irony of course being that with the departure of Les Expos they will have to become Blue jays fans and watch Jose Bautista, a latin player they also labeled as lazy.The streets were filled with yinzers talking out of their asses.

“That jagoff doesn’t care about Pittsburgh!” declared Bloomfield resident and perpetual mayoral candidate Danny Brassnooch. “I mean it’s not like he could be struggling or is simply misjudging balls. This is intentional laziness.”

The court’s decision was close, but according to the published opinions race played a factor in voting also.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor said in the majority opinion,

“Pirates fans have a history of labeling Latino players as lazy as far back as Roberto Clemente. Perhaps this is due to their lack of a Latino population, but this court is willing to assume that it is in their low tolerance for non-white people combined with their penchant for tearing down individuals they see as threats.”

Justice Elena Kagan concurred, adding:

“The court views laziness and a bad season are two different things. while this is not the opinion of a majority of Pirates fan, it is in fact the opinion of a majority of Pirates fans who label themselves as Steeler fans first.”

In the dissenting opinion Justice Clarence Thomas said,

“When a player is good we expect him to be good. Outfielders should hit for power and play proper defense, being that Tabata currently cannot it is safe to assume the problem is a lack of motivation.”

Justice Antonin Scalia added,

“I am a crazy old man who is racist so of course I believe Latino’s are lazy. Therefore I see why Pittsburgh believes that, because the old people are crazy and racist and the young people act the same or leave the second they graduate.”

The decision affects nothing because this story isn’t real. However it is the opinion of this fake journalist that claiming Jose Tabata is lazy is misevaluating a situation. While he is having a horrible year laziness is not the issue and I find it hard to believe Manager Clint Hurdle would put him in the field if he believed he wasn’t trying. A bad year is a bad year and lazy is lazy. Ronny Paulino was lazy. In fact he was the laziest. But this really comes down to race, Pittsburgher’s don’t like Latino’s because they are not familiar with them. They are callous and scared of things that are different.

The laziest player to wear the black and gold in recent memory was both a white man and a fan favorite. His name was Nate McLouth and he was the god damn worst. He was so lazy that he got a gold glove and that selection forever tarnished the reputation of the award. He got that gold glove because he played center field and committed no errors and that is because he was lazy and let the ball one hop to him. He never tried to hustle and therefore he never looked like a fool. Jose Tabata tries, he is just not the best. However 5 years from now the notion that Jose Tabata was ever lazy will look uninformed and uneducated. So much so that the fake supreme court agrees.



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