Why the College Football Playoff Will Fail / 5 Ways to Improve College Football

By Chaz Bolte

The college football playoff, much like the current bowl system, much like college football is inevitably doomed to fail and here is why. Every story coming out of Washington DC, where the meetings for this corporate money grab are taking place start the same way.

“The 11 conference commissioners and Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick …”

And there it is. The smoking gun that proves it will fail. Notre dame is involved. Why would a floundering college football program like Notre Dame have any say in a playoff they will never participate in? Because this is all about money. College football is big time entertainment for small town folks. This will basically give really fat people with no entertainment another week to go be super fucking fat and root for the school that refused to accept them because they are  really secret retards (as in they are retarded and no one ever told them because they are just functional enough to get away with it). Which is fine. I’m not a geographical elitist. I live in NYC which has zero Division I, I’m sorry FCS Championship division, teams so maybe I just personally don’t care. I am also a Pitt fan, which is to say I WAS a Pitt fan and even though they are about to be in the ACC they will never make it also.

If I was a fan of a team like Ohio State maybe this would be something to get all boned up about, but that would mean I lived in Ohio, which besides having to many vowels is kind of a shithole (damn I really am a geographical elitist).Personally I’d rather just not have a team to root for. Maybe I’m just getting older, but college football is no longer interesting to me.

To me college football is two things: exploitative of young and dumb teenagers and a low quality product. So other than giving corporations more things to sponsor and southern cities something to waste taxpayer money on I don’t see how any of this is important at all.

Yes, I understand that this gives the Boise State’s and TCU’s of the world a shot at winning it all but I think we all know that those teams never will. I think we all know that every year the four teams will include at least three of the following super programs:

Florida, Alabama, LSU, USC, Texas, Oklahoma and every 10 years or so Michigan will come along and shit the bed on national television. I can think of some things that would make college football more exciting and a playoff that only involves 4 teams isn’t in my top 5, which would be as follows.

Top 5 things to make College Football more exciting

1.) Flag Football alumni games instead of overtime. —  Say Michigan and Michigan State go to overtime. Under my new plan all current players to the stands with the band. Michigan brings out Tim Biakabatuka, Desmond Howard, Braylon Edwards, and Brian Griese and Michigan State brings out Charles Rodgers, T.J. Duckett, Andre Rison and Jim Miller (this is assuming Jeff smoker is still feeling the effects of putting acid in his headband before practice everyday). I would watch that shit, which is exactly what it would be.

2.) Teams can either pass or run, but not both. — We are almost there anyway. Imagine University of Houston vs. University of Ohio and the one dimensional bullshit both of those teams put on the field and charge people $30 to see weekly, but every fucking game. You could pick before hand, but once you did one of those that was it for the rest of the Saturday.

3.) Conference championships would be decided with an old-fashioned NFL Pro Bowl style QB Challenge — that one is exactly what it sounds like.

4.) Corporate tie ins with the Vatican and Notre Dame — Simply put if Notre Dame wins all Catholics worldwide will have their sins forgiven and if Notre dame loses tough titties for Catholics. This would give each game a little more of a life and death vibe and would improve attendance and viewership among the latino and elderly demographics.

5.) Admit that there is no tie between college football and the academics of said college and pay players to participate in the NFL’s minor leagues. That’s all college football is anyway, minor league football. Very few college football players go on to become scholars and the ones that do would have been better off without football anyway. College football is a sham and worse than that it is boring. If Penn State football didn’t dominate culture in Pennsylvania people would see Penn State for what it is……..wait for it……. a pretty good school with a solid academic reputation.

The college football playoff will succeed in making big corporations more money and giving schools more money that will never help traditional students because instead of lowering tuition they will build bigger stadiums to get bigger sponsorship money to sell more uniforms and get bigger TV contracts. “This whole thing revolves around money!” God damn, I’ve become the white Spike Lee.

 

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