Cleveland. Ohio — Trying to sway voters in the swing state of Ohio, Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney looked
to gain support among the middle-class and traditionally Democrat citizens of Cleveland by using Right Wing campaigntactics on an issue that actually affected voters, the Browns – Steelers rivalry. “You see the problem with America and the problems you are facing are not caused by inequality, they are caused by Dan Rooney and Mike Wallace. The Pittsburgh Steelers are muslim socialists hell-bent on turning America into a nation with a quaran in the drawer of every Comfort Inn and that is why Barack Hussein Obama loves them so much. Yes people it’s true, corporations are people and Obama is a Steeler fan.” said Romney to a crowd of fat drunken slobs who call themselves the Cleveland Elite.
Romney than decried the 3 -4 defense as socialism, claiming, “It put all of the pressures of the 4 linebackers on the 3 defensive line and lowered sack totals for nose tackles.” Romney continued, “If Casey Hampton played in the 4-3 he would have at least 7 sacks a year which would qualify him for a contract 15% higher than he currently has. That’s $650,000 taken out of Hampton’s pocket by the Obama – Rooney administration. The 3-4 defense is to the Steelers as ObamaCare is to Obama, socialism.”
Romney was than reminded that the Browns also had a 3 -4 defense in place at which point steam came out of his ears and cartoon mechanical breakdown sounds came from his forehead as he pounded himself in the head with the palm of his hand. In an attempt to both save face and reiterate his hatred of the Steelers to the crowd made up mostly of homeless drunks and Browns fans he pounced on his easiest target. Spotting a man in the crowd wearing a Black and Gold tie, Romney lost all control of his computer moderated Mormon super senses and leapt into the crowd.
“You tell Dan Rooney 3 Things: 1.) If the Steelers beat the Browns this year I will fuck his wife 2.) Rooney Mara sucked in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and 3.) As Joseph Smith’s weird interpretation of god as my witness I will fucking kill him.
As the crowd gasped with astonishment at the over reaction to the man’s tie. Romney lept on the stage shouting “Vote for me or I’ll Pay someone to shoot Bernie Kosar. Don’t fuck with me Cleveland. The Steelers suck and I am batshit crazy! Tell Ben his chubby polish wife is pregnant with my baby and he’s next on the Romney shit list.”
Rushed out by security Romney was reported to have been checked in at a local hospital for dehydration, a claim that has yet to be proven.
The next day after touching down in Buffalo to meet with republicans for what was billed by promoters as a “Good ol’
pancake breakfast and liberal slanderin'” Romney kept up his anti-Steeler charade. If I said it once I’ve said it twice the Pittsburgh Steelers and Barack Obama are in cahoots and are stealing old people’s prescriptions and selling them to communists to fuel their gay marriage machines.” As Western New Yorker’s looked on in horror Romney ran up to a reporter and began to hump the air in the unemotional way only a Mormon can. “This is me and Dan Rooney’s wife after I kill him.” he shouted. At which time the Tea Party faithful cheered him on screaming the “Steel Curtian is the new Iron Curtain.”
Romney than promised that if he was President he would feed liberals Tim Horton’s doughnuts until they died and then he would send their children to Iran to get more oil to fuel his rocket bicycle. “I am a sane man,” repeated Romney over and over as he suffocated a puppy.