Former MTV V-Jay, Veronica’s Closet co-star, and Pittsburgh native Dan Cortese was recently overheard at the TGI Friday’s in Riverside, CA getting worked up about a promise never kept between
then friends Jon Stewart and George Clooney and himself to “stay best friends forever” after a night of hardcore early nineties LA partying following a MTV Rock and Jock Softball tournament. Cortese was asked to leave the premises after the exchange escalated and he openly wept lamenting the downward spiral he calls a career.
Proceeding to steal the microphone from karaoke night host D.J. Steve the Bus Boy, Cortese told the story in detail to a worried and generally disenfranchised dinner rush. According to a guy who works with a guy who heard some of what Cortese said.
“So he’s a like, “me and J-Stew and the Cloondawg we’re all doing blow in this awesome ass mansion and there where chicks everywhere man. We just won Rock and Jock, I was getting laid like 20 times a day, I seriously don’t think my life was ever any better than that night.
Sooooo…..GCloon is coked out of his mind and he’s just like dudes, let’s be best friends forever and I was all like dude who plays Booker from Roseanne/Starting in left center fielder for the Rock and Jock champion Homeboys, fuck yes forever and ever, I love you. We all went to hug but John Stewart puked everywhere and started crying. They headed home and I never saw those guys again.”
According to the bartender on duty Cortese said he was there “to meet a producer, who was going to make him famous again like John Stewart or George Clooney.” and that he “would love if I invested in his new company that promoted roaming celebrity softball tournaments on the state fair circuit.” Cortese whose American Express card was declined twice before he gave the bartender his “good card”, an old chewed up Discover card with the name Evelyn Murraystein scratched out, ran up a $175 tab of Flaming Dr.Pepper’s and left a $5 tip.
He took his picture with middle-aged waitress Missy Firth and then followed her to the bathroom where he made love to her sagging stretched out poor excuse for a woman’s body while she kept her bra on. Cortese pointed to this as the reason he wanted to get back into “Clooney/Stewart Territory”. According to Cortese:
Me? I fuck my share of middle-aged ladies, but those guys are doing weird shit to the hottest girls in the world. If we were all friends still I’d have to believe that I would be the biggest star in the fucking world. Not making guest appearances on Hot In Cleveland. I was the backup quarterback for the University of North Carolina Tarheels when they went to the Aloha Bowl in ’86 bro (This is true) and now I get to play a Browns QB on a show that airs on TV Land? I deserve better than this.
When reached for comment representatives for the assistant of George Clooney told us that he would not comment and pointed to the “Oceans’s Eleven Premiere Incident” in 2001. According to those knowledgeable with such fake happenings Cortese was removed from the red carpet after showing up shirtless and demanding to see “that Booker playing Mother Fucker” repeatedly. He was eventually lured away by security dressed as TV producers with the promise of a TV pilot staring him, Ted McGinley and Henry Winkler titled, “The Handsome Shirtless Italian and his Two Gay Dad’s.” The show was scrapped after focus groups found it to be offensive to the concept of comedy.
Editor’s Note: This is a joke, this isn’t real. This is parody. Dan Cortese is probably a super cool guy and very talented. I mean he was a backup QB at UNC and you know all the great QB’s that school has produced, wait no that’s point guards, no that’s Duke, oh UNC! all the great racist homophobes. Seriously though Dan Cortese was on an episode of Seinfeld and he is only getting better looking with age. Taking this guy down a notch in the name of comedy will not stop him from living his probably totally awesome life that is better than mine for a second.