Militant local celebrity squirrel leads small town Pennsylvania Mayoral race.
SPR — In the hamlet of Boyers, Pa a 63-year-old squirrel has lived for years peacefully among the people like creatures of the small petroleum recycling residue treatment plant town just 10 minutes outside of Slippery Rock, Pa. Much like Punxsutawney Phil, Boyd Squirrelman is a local animal celebrity, brought out every two years to predict the town’s Mayoral race. Being the most famous resident of the town, many Boyers voters rely on the squirrel to do their thinking for them, like most good American citizens do. It is a responsibility the squirrel has traditionally been quite proud to take seriously. However this year Boyd Squirrelman has a new message for the nearly Neanderthal industrial workers who call Boyers their home, “Vote for me or it’s your fuckin ass!”
The series of events stem from a winter time altercation in Boyers Town Center. Squirrelman came to the park to see his adoring public and that local children had built a false idol, a 16 inch snowman they called “Mr. snow snow”. Insulted by their dissonance, the Boyers Squirrel lashed out eating part of the false idol and defecating it in a public fountain crying, “the tree of liberty must be replenished with the blood of the weak.” Others believed he shouted, “Sic Semper Tyrannus” or death be to tyrants. Mayor Frimpton “slobberknocker” Haymaker, a former bum fights star the squirrel had supported just a year before banished the squirrel from the park. The squirrel returned into the polluted woods not to be seen for months.
After a visit to the woods by town sex pervert Trippy Bill, Sheetz was a buzz with rumors the the squirrel had become militant and hell-bent on delivering freedom to the 43 citizens of Boyers from the hands of Mayor Haymaker. Embracing the ideology of the political right, a press release received via email to the offices of the Boyers Daily Liberal Slanderer titled “The Boyers Squirrel Manifesto”, gave an insight into Boyd Squirrelman’s 2012 Mayoral Campaign, which he will announce with a public hanging and fireworks on the Fourth of July.
According to the Press Release:
Citizens of Boyers.
As your towns most cultured citizen I must inform you that the outside world that we have not seen for months due to the road blockage that occurred during the lumber truck accident that killed the town ambulance and tow truck driver instantly while simultaneously destroying our local economy, Yes that outside world, is planning on attacking you and killing you all in your homes while you sleep unless you vote Mayor Haymaker out of office. You must not leave our homes, look at the news, go on the internet, or do anything other than sit and wait for election day when you will make me, Boyd Squirrelman the new Mayor of Boyers and we will take Mayor Haymaker into the streets and slowly kill him at BoyersFest
Boyd Squirrelman = Progress you can depend on!
With citizens cowering in fear Squirrelman sent out this postcard to every person in Boyers via U.S. Mail with the hand written message, “Vote for me or I’ll fucking kill you.”
As the situation continues to escalate in the town of Boyers, Pa SPR will keep you updated. A recent poll courtesy of a fake polling institute showed that Squirrelman has a 15 percent lead over Haymaker with Independent candidate and fart huffer Trippy Bill getting 4 percent of the imaginary vote in the imaginary election between a squirrel and a fake former bum fights star and a fake sex pervert named Trippy Bill in a fake story about a real town that is on a real website that exists in a fake reality.