My Uncle Greg Is A Total Dick

By Marley Ernzer, a Dog

OMG!!! My Uncle Greg is a total dick! Where to begin?!?!

First off he never comments on my Twitter feed, which for being a dog is on the borderline of impossible to maintain, given my lack of opposable thumbs and the fact that I can’t speak or understand any real language. For me to continually update the world on what I think is important at the moment takes away from the time I usually reserve to lick myself and sleep. Yet, despite my awesome ass accomplishment I can’t even get a Retweet from this tall micki ficki. It’s like come on all ready Uncle Greg, you already missed 7 of my birthdays chilling with your “roommate” Alex.

Secondly, last week we are all chilling with C. Boyd and Uncle Greg takes my tennis ball straight from my mouth and throws it across the room. I’m all like, “whatevs!” and chase it down. I can’t find it anywhere! I look for what must have been like 4 days or 10 seconds, I don’t really know because I am a dog so I don’t understand the concept of time. Finally I turn around and he never threw it! He was still holding it, laughing his ass off! Why you gonna take my ball and not give it back? Other than my little dog bone collar and squeaky foam bone it’s pretty much my only possession. Quit withholding it from me, Dick! Than he does it again and of course I fall for it again, because I am a dog and I have no short-term memory!

Uggghhhhhhh……. Can you say jerk? I can’t because I am a dog and my vocab is limited to phrases like ruff and bow wow and arf! arf!

Third, I sneak on the laptop to check out his website and he is making fun of Air Bud? Come on! Growing up as a dog there are very few positive role models on television and in the movies. Most dog actors are portrayed as psychotic or fear mongering. Most of us chill by our master’s side waiting for some food because we aren’t all that smart, because of our small dog brains. Every once in a while one of us makes it big, like Air Bud or Comet from Full House and you’re going to diminish his major accomplishment? Shame on you Uncle Greg! I’ve never seen a series of Disney Pets in Sports movies dedicated to you. Jealousy will get you nowhere Uncle Greg, you know where I learned that? From Air Bud II: Golden receiver, which I heard was your nickname in college.

j/k I don’t even know what that means, because I am a dog.

Oh and I got the first line for your next “article”,

His name was Gregory Ernzer… and he was the god damn worst!

arf! arf! arf! grrrrrrrrr………., Marley


You can follow Marley on Twitter @MarleyMayErnzer




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