SPR Sits Down to Interview Charles Bodwash, Self Proclaimed “Cornhole King”

Cornhole King

His name was Charles Bodwash…….and he was the god-damn best.

Bodwash’s story begins with a life of class and instant gratification. The only son of a successful spelling coach and a stay-at-home furnace was showered with only the finest things from a young age.

“I remember being 12-years old……….” said Bodwash.

Apparently that was the end of the story because he walked into the bathroom and never came out.

If I had to describe Boshwash’s house I would compare it to my college sink. It was full of hair and an inch of rusty water.  Oh yeah, there were, by my count, 15 different Air Bud posters hanging in the living room. These posters were a little bit different than the ones I remember from childhood. Someone had cut-out 15 of the same black-and-white, crinkled picture of a very homeless-looking, small dog and glued him over the golden retriever in each poster.

“Charrrrlessss, did you introduce our movie dog to your obviously gay friend?” said an old man in the hallway with a blatantly open robe and no underwear.

Charles father was a whole other story. Here is a list of what happened during our 5 minute interaction.

®Introduced himself as Tupac Shakur

®Said that he invented the coffee table

®Let out a 4 minute and 55 second fart

®Blamed it on me

®Left the room

Thirty minutes passed and I was still sitting in an empty, fart filled room with my pen and tablet in hand.

I found Charles, his father and their dog in the basement. They were playing a board game and hanging with the thing Charles calls his mother, his father calls his lover and what I call an old fucked up furnace.

“Whooooooooooo, it’s nice to get away with the whole family and get wrecked on Southern Clues,” said Charles’ father.

No, I did not misspell Southern Blues. Southern Clues is essentially playing a round of Clue while consuming unhealthy amounts of Southern Blues. The game only ends when one player gets an erection from a description of the sexual things he would do to Mrs. Peacock in the Library.

There have been over 16,000 rounds of Southern Clues played by Bodwash and Shakur. Each one has ended in a tie.

Maybe here, or 8 paragraphs ago, you were wondering when I would get to Bodwash being an expert cornhole player. After spending an afternoon with this “family”,  how could I not report on my findings??? Really, Southern Clues???

Finally, it was game day. I was instructed to meet Bodwash where he does his pre-game ritual, in the bathroom of the parking garage under his great uncles scuba equipment rental equipment shop. I walked in to him chugging a bottle of off-brand mouthwash. He handed me a note with a hand-drawn, disfigured penis and what I’m sure  was a made up address, 6868 Billionaires Ave.

“TAKE ME THERE!!!!!!” he screamed.

I left.

Is there a story here? Probably not…….

The end.

By Greg Ernzer

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3 thoughts on “SPR Sits Down to Interview Charles Bodwash, Self Proclaimed “Cornhole King”

  1. BTW HEY Cooper, get this man his own wordpress/username and let’s lock him in the basement of SPR Headquarters and feed him redbull til he cracks. Or at least until he starts singing Godsmack.

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