Casino Sponsered PA Gambling Hotline Being Less Helpful After Rivers Casino Posts Lower Than Expected Profits Last Quarter

Pittsburgh's Rivers Casino

Pittsburgh, PA — It seems that the “PA Gambling Hotline”, created by casinos to help those with gambling addictions is becoming a lot less helpful in wake of the news that Pittsburgh’s Rivers Casino posted lower than expected profits last quarter. Politicians are calling for an investigation into the current practices of the hotline after memos surfaced from the casino claiming that, “this is not the time to push away our best customers. Please encourage them to continue gambling and push the chicken fingers because we have ordered way to many.”

SPR Investigative Reporter Cooper Sanders recently used the freedom of information act to request a sample phone call taken by the hotline. Below is the transcript:

PA Gambling Hotline (PAGH) — Pennsylvania Gambling Help Hotline this is James. How can I help you?

Caller: I need help. I lost all of my money at the casino. I might lose my house. which means I might lose my family and all i can think about is getting more money to gamble.

PAGH: Well, just because you are out of cash doesn’t necessarily mean you are out of money to gamble. have you considered getting cash back from your credit cards? There is a Giant Eagle on the North Side that will allow you to take out $75 at a time. Do that four times and you got a fruitful night ahead of you.

Caller: My credit cards are maxed out!

PAGH: Well there are other options sir. You can donate blood, hand out flyers, you can get a second mortgage on your home. There is no reason to stop gambling if it’s something you really like. Just make sure you have more money.

Caller: But it’s ruining my life!

PAGH: It is irresponsible to blame gambling for your money problems. The problem is really that you need more money, not to gamble less.

Cooper: No, I have a very serious problem.

PAGH: Look, all I’m saying is if you’re losing a lot maybe you just need to switch games or bet higher amounts. If your on a losing streak like you’ve described it seems the odds are in your favor for the big payout. I mean why give up now. One quarter can make you a millionaire on Loose slot Thursday’s at the River’s casino. I’m just saying go try it, and if it’s too much for you take a break to enjoy the Rivers famous chicken fingers on sale for only $5.95 on Loose Slot Thursday’s

Caller: Are their beer specials?

PAGH: I guess you’ll have to come down and find out.


Legalized Gambling has barely been the godsend cash cow to the state promised before construction. A new study that is not real found that 45 percent of North Side residents are now homeless because they lost all of their money gambling. More notably the $2 I.C. Light pounder special during Steelers and Penguins games is responsible for an estimated 6,700 DUI’s and 5,000 deaths.

Gambling proponents argue that of the 5,000 deaths, 4,230 were “typical yinzer assholes” claiming that we should not play god and mess with the positive effects of evolution.


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