Imaginary Drug User Arrested

Harrison Bergeron, 27, of New Brighton

New Brighton police arrested Harrison Bergeron, 27, for pretending to smoke what was thought to be imaginary marijuana in Big Rock Park yesterday. It is even thought that the drug may have been imaginary crack or, even worse, imaginary crystal meth. However, arresting officer George Zamyatin said Bergeron was calm and there was no reason to assume the offending drug was anything other than imaginary weed.

“The guy was just standing there next to his bike, and he had his two fingers up to his mouth like he was hitting a joint,” Zamyatin said. “I knew that he was up to no good.”

When confronted about his strange posturing, Bergeron showed an unapologetic attitude about his actions and even managed to go as far as to tell Officer Zamyatin what he was doing. Bergeron said he was a former drug addict but had become a conservative Christian a few years back and gave up most of his bad habits. He occasionally pretends to smoke marijuana to calm himself and bring back the sensation of his younger days.

“I was just out for a bike ride. It was a sunny day,” Bergeron said. “This cop stopped me and asked why I looked like I was smoking weed. So I told him. Then he arrested me, took me to the police station and now I’m awaiting trial with no substantial evidence. I don’t think this is legal. Can you arrest someone for meditating, imagining himself on a tropical island or doing yoga?”

Zamyatin said he was justified for bringing in Bergeron by articles within the 3rd revision of the Patriot Act.

“That hippie knows what dope looks like, smells like, tastes like and feels like,” Zamyatin. “Don’t let him fool ya, he was getting high.  Did you see the guy? Really, I mean, he looked high as a kite. I hope the judge throws the book at him.”

The Thought Police are not amused...


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