Rick Santorum Calls Off Presidential Campaign to Return to Full-Time Job of Being Woody From Toy Story

Editor’s Note: we gave Rick Santorum a hard time on the campaign trail and now that it’s over we at SPR are man enough to admit that we only gave him such a hard time because he is a total doucher.

Rick Santorum calls off Presidential campaign to return to full-time job as being Woody from Toy Story

Monroeville, PA — Today, Rick Santorum decided to clear the air about why he suspended his Presidential Campaign this past week. In the face of rumors that Santorum wanted to spend more time with his sick daughter Santorum spoke from his Monroeville duplex to media insisting that other factors were involved.

“The truth is that Rick Santorum needs money. You don’t get paid to be a candidate. I will now return to the private sector to continue my career as Woody from the Toy Story series.

As it turns out, although no one noticed, Santorum has played Woody in the past three Toy story straight to Blu-Ray features. It turns out that Pixar lost the file containing the Woody avatar and with costs being $300 K to rebuild or $250K to recover, Santorum swept in and offered his services for $12.50 an hour and unlimited Dr. Pepper during shooting. Shooting Woody’s parts in front of a green screen, it seems no one has noticed that the ultra conservative former senator of Pennsylvania/full-time hateologist has been the face and voice of the pop culture icon for years.

The recession hit us all hard and sometimes we are lucky enough to look exactly like a pixar character. It should never be said that Rick Santorum doesn’t understand the working man.”

Santorum is courting various Asian nation’s Pixar equivalents for a new straight to Blu ray series he hopes to title, “Barack Obama and the coming age of sharia law.” Much like his campaign the series is likely to briefly look legit before unravelling at an incredible pace to reveal that it was pretty much a joke the entire time.”

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