Joe Biden Refuses to Begin Speech Until All Questions About His Bulge Are Answered
SPR — Durbin, West Virginia
At a campaign rally in West Virginia the audience sat silently confused as Vice President Joe Biden walked onto the stage, only to stop, pull out his aviators and have his spokesman inform the crowd that Biden would not speak until all questions about his bulge were answered.
Biden than opened the town hall meeting on his trousers by shouting “Hey you there with the greying goatee. What do you think of these pants. Do they fit right? Because you see when I put one leg up like this and look over here I just feel like they are to tight against my package. Which i don’t mind. But do they look to tight against my package? Because that’s not the image I’m trying to go for.” Biden than turned to an African American woman in sunglasses standing next to a ridiculously large man partially obscured by a coat saying, “These kids today and their pants. I mean come on. They’re either way to tight or way to big. I mean I don’t know about you, but i miss living in an America where our children’s pants fit.”
Biden joked with another onlooker, “I mean I’m the Vice President of the United fucking States and they can’t even get me a proper fitting pair of pants to wear. I mean welcome to amateur hour. You know what I’m talking about.” To which the onlooker replied, “I really need a job or the bank will take my house.”
The microphone caught the following exchange between Obama campaign manager Jim Messina and Vice president Biden:
Messina: Joe, we are here for the campaign, now start talking about the jobs bill.
Biden: Fuck it, we got this thing so wrapped up. I’m not doing shit till someone tells me what I want to hear.
Biden than quickly returned to the crowd, “you there directly under me but slightly to the right. I notice that you both have glasses and a perfect view of my bulge. Is it intimidating or do i look foolish? I mean, if you got it flaunt it right? Or do i look like I’m trying? Because it is a pure accident that my bulge looks so massive today. I think it is the pleating.”
Campaign officials finally convinced Biden to stop asking questions of the crowd and he began his speech 25 minutes late.
“I came here to teach you about the job bill and instead you ended up teaching me about myself. I am a man who is insecure with how great his bulge looks in these pants. No more. No less. May you live long West Virginia and may your dreams be as big as your children.”