Cooper’s Lake: Reflections on My Editorial Awesomess

Editors Note: It has been Two Weeks since I, Cooper Sanders, became Editor of SPR and pulled this raggedy ass blog from the depths of the blogosphere and turned it into the most awesome blog ev, forev, times sev. Although he hired me, the old editor, was his name Chris Belloti?, who cares he’s gone. Someone farted on his grandma’s walker and now she’s going to a home and he has to go through her things, so he is really busy being a beat ass dork. Burn!!!! That dude totally sucked, one time he was all like, “I don’t know dude, Lacrosse might be a better sport than Football.” So I punched him in his face for being such a dork. Anyway for my first Cooper’s Lake: Reflections on My Editorial Awesomess, let’s go back to where it all began. My first post on august 12th, 2011.
From the archives: August 2011
This is the first in a series of movie comparisons by our guest writer Cooper Sanders

Yo kid, I’m Cooper Sanders but all my Kappa Phi Nu broseph’s at Penn State called me Dudebro. What the fuck is up dudes!?!? Kappa Phi til you fuckin die, for fucking ever! You don’t even know! So anyway I moved to Brooklyn or whatever and now I have my own movie blog and shit. This dude heard me talking about Fulton Reed from the mighty ducks and he was all like, “do you want to write about movies for my  blog” and i was like” i guess if you paid me like a million fuckin dollars, because you’re a total dork”. And the dude was all like “that’s really inappropriate. your very immature.” and i was like “so does your mom know your gay” and then these ladies laughed and then I took them home and fucked them. So anyway the next day I saw the guy again and i was like “I totally want to write for your dorky ass fucking blog” and he was like “are you qualified?” and i was like ,” I mean I only went to Penn fucking State, ever hear of it Broham? or are you stupid?” and here I am today writing about My Girl.

So some may already know this but the movie My Girl makes me openly weep. It’s a fantastic period piece about a little girl named Vada Sultenfuss who lives in 1972 Pennsylvania and lives with her father and grandmother in a funeral home. During that crazy summer she experiences emotional highs (hahaha) and lows. Being a tomboy and being the daughter of a funeral director makes it hard for her to fit in with the girls in her town so she spends the summer with her friend Thomas J. (Mccaulay Caulkin).They have magical childhood adventures until one day Thomas J. dies trying to retrieve the mood ring her dead mother gave her after they lost it throwing rocks at beehives (which is some total dumbass shit, don’t fuck with bees dumdums all they do is make honey and kill little children, duh) sidenote: this movie fucking scared the shit out of me when i was younger because i am also allergic to bee stings and i was certain i was gonna die if i went into the woods with a girl which totally fucked me out of some blowies as teenager, moving on. so she loses her shit and makes a scene at Thomas J.’s funeral because he doesn’t have his glasses on He doesn’t need them dummy your unrequited love killed him.  And than she learns to move on. so there is a brief synopsis.  if you need more convincing here are 5 reasons My Girl is mega tits.

Vada’s Uncle ~ his advice to Harry about how to romance ladies in the women’s lib age is great. and when Harry threatens Shelly’s ex husband at the 4th of July picnic he steals the movie with the line ,” he’s a fucking manimal, dudeballs!

The taglineWhen your Dad’s an undertaker, your Mom’s in heaven, and your Grandma’s got a screw loose…it’s good to have a friend who understands you. Even if he is a boy.  what the shit does this mean. Thomas J. is getting the rub from this pricktease. Thomas J. is the hero of this story and he banged mila kunis for like 8 years so come the fuck on.

Vada’s teacher  Mr. Jake Bixler~ Griffin Dunne is f wording awesome and a bunch of other curse words. He was in the Pickle which is a weirdo movie. It’s for total dorks only, seriously kid it fucking lame shit) he was also Tommy Kelly in Johnny Dangerously which is amazing and stars pittsburgh’s own and father of the eyebrow acting technique Michael Keaton ( who’s real name is michael douglas). He was also a main character in an American Warewolf in London which somebody told me was good once but i didn’t trust their opinion because they were a total turdcutter.

Anna Chlumsky ~ That’s a good polish girl name and a couple of years later she ended up pretty hot but she never showed her tits and everyone knows you’ll never make it unless you show your tits kid.But she is really funny in the movie and i guess you shouldn’t talk about hot ladies when they were younger. that would be like saying i would totally fuck Drew Barrymore, she’s so hot and shit in charlie’s angels and e.t. if you say that your going to hell. and not the hell you go to for not paying your parking tickets or having curly hair. the hell you go to for being a doucher or being Daniel Tosh.

The writing class ~ the writing class that vada steals money out of Shelly’s camper to take is super fucking funny and filled with hippies. this is where she also unveils her first story an ode to ice cream. But the best part is when they are in a circle trying to feel eachother’s aura’s and the slutty hippy chick gets a little into the guy that not her boyfriend and then her boyfriend  Justin tries to make it more innocent by including vada which leads to the best joke in the movie.

Justin: Feel my aura.
Vada Sultenfuss: I don’t think I’m allowed to.

aww dude it’s like WEINERZ! BLLLAAAHH!….So anyway My girl is mega tits but my girl 2 is fucking stupid. Basically i remember she shaves her legs because she goes to California and she meets a new guy that makes her forget all about Thomas J. who she fucking killed! The only sequel i would find acceptable would be Vada sitting in her room wishing she didn’t kill her mother and best friend and pretending she’s sick with a killer soundtrack. Why even make my girl 2? did they make a little giants 2? NO! because little giants is perfect and when the story is over i don’t feel there are any unresolved issues. sidenote Becky  icebox o’shea  from little giants grew up to be totally hot and did show her tits in a film. Which is tits.

This is a picture of my Kappa Phi Broski’s Clay and Jimmy Bitchtits. They totally touched thingies one day in a devils threeway during the Kappa Phi/ girls volleyball team mixer! They are total Dweebz!


3 Replies to “Cooper’s Lake: Reflections on My Editorial Awesomess”

  1. Anna Chlumsky, Macaulay Culkin and John Candy has a Wayne Pickert Connection. All three appeared on Uncle Buck. On the first My Girl, the year was set was 1972, the year Wayne Pickert was born. After the second My Girl, Wayne Pickert just turned 22 10 days prior and three and a half weeks after John Candy died, Wayne Gregory Pickert, died very unexpectedly.

    1. Wayne Gregory Pickert never existed in this demension. You’re in the wrong string of time. You need to return and not write any more about Wayne Gregory Pickert on the internet. You need to heed this warning and stay off the grid until you’ve returned.

  2. Okay. Anna Chlumsky is now married to Shaun So. John Candy has been gone for 20 years. Macaulay Culkin is still acting.

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