Rick Santorum Uses Easter to Commend the Lofty Goals of the Crusades, Remind Everyone That Obama is a Muslim Socialist

Speaking at the St. Madonna the Light of our Creator Church in Swissville, PA presidential candidate Rick Santorum used the Easter holiday to remind people that Barack Obama is a “Muslim socialist extremist who was indoctrinating your children with sharia law that would eventually lead to them becoming homosexuals.” He also paused to reflect on the good old days of Christianity when church leaders where brave enough to call for crusades and suggested the church adopt new language in their services which would make the response to “peace be with you” be “but never with Muslims.”

“While we celebrate the resurrection of our lord let us not forget that somewhere in America an angry group of anarchist homosexuals, in cahoots with both Iran and George Clooney, are plotting to blow up American cities with bright shiny glitter bombs to push an extreme message of equal rights. This is America where everyone is equal, as long as they go to church, fear the wrath of god for their homosexual daydreams, never read the news, and are white.” Santorum continued, “If you are not those things than let’s face it you are not a real American. The choice is simple you got a Muslim, a Mormon, and a good Catholic, I mean it couldn’t be any easier to see who God wants you to vote for.”

Santorum also delved into front-runner and eventual Republican nominee Mitt Romney’s religious beliefs. “I mean who doesn’t want to force women to continue to have babies well into their 40’s despite the risk to both their and the babies health. We agree on that. Everything else though, I mean come on. A vote for Romney is a vote for your kids being forced to wear white shirts,black pants and messenger bags while listening to The Killers on their kind of Ipod from Wal-Mart. We should fear this, because it is different from what believe, and eventually we should destroy it in a public square.”

The mood of the event changed when Santorum suggested the congregation boycott church member Gloria Nanneletti’s snickerdoodles during the Easter cookie social following mass because her nephew Nino is living with a woman before they are married. “I mean do we approve of these two young lovers having passionate sex whenever they want because they are in love? I want to return to a time when sex with a woman was viewed as a necessary evil to appease God. You should pray to God for months to make the ickyness go away and then at the pre-negotiated time you should concentrate very hard in order to please God by giving him another baby while enjoying it as little as possible. We should force our sexual beliefs on others, because it is unfair for them to enjoy sex if we cannot. Spending your quarter on a Nanneletti Snickerdoodle is basicly the same as voting for Obama, if you do it you won’t get into heaven.”

As he was dragged out of the church by Nanneletti’s son Anthony, starting Center for the Pittsburgh Power of the Arena Football League, Santorum screamed at the hissing crowd “you are all sheep! baaahhh! you are all sheep! If i could get your vote that would also be great.”

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