A Brief History of the Polish Master Race

  A Brief History of the Polish Master Race

          By Polish Uncle Wally

“So stop me if you’ve heard this one” is a phrase that does not translate to the written word. But, How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

You turn off the carousel

Jokes about the intelligence of Polish people and their supposed weakness due to long history of military failures are hurtful and cliché, but mostly hurtful. There is no reason to believe my ancestors tried to place a screen door in a sub-marine despite popular American belief, when all Government sponsored “Guide to Being a Young Polish Boy Handbook for Young Polish Boys” correctly state that Germans originally made the attempt and then blamed it on Poland during a PR smear campaign trying to break our spirits during Potato and Vodka Carnival. History is written by the victors and if Poland had actually won anything in the age of modern or even the age of semi-modern warfare, we might remember the age of the Polish Master Race.

Name the three most influential Poles of all time. Go!

Trick Question there are 6

St. Alexander the Great, Copernicus, Pope John Paul II, Fryderyk Chopin, Bill Mazeroski, and John Krasinski a.k.a. Jim from The Office

The many notable contributions to the arts, culture, and the humanity are often negated by our lack of success over the past 200 years, but if I was a betting man I’d start betting on the Polish peoples because streaks have to end at some point.

When an Italian man meets a Polish man at a disco he always says, ” my Polish brother, Why are you so pale?” to which the Polish man says, “because we have no beaches because we are landlocked and the sun touches our skin very little due to the bats.”

But it’s not all bad for the landlocked pasty creatures known as the Poles because every August the coming of summer weather brings Potato and Vodka Carnival where accordions are played and vodka and potatoes are rationed to the people. Dances around poles made of many broken old poles pieced together with mud are done and people are merry.

So next time you feel the need to tell an ethnic joke in which the stereotype is that the ethnicity is dumb, please consider these Three other ethnicities, who i believe are much more deserving:

Georgians — The people of Georgia, although armed with nuclear weapon technology are woefully dumb. Not to mention their food is atrocious. If you’ve never had Georgian food touch a finger on your right hand to some old socks and touch a finger on your left hand to some dog poo and then touch both of those fingers to your tongue. Now you’ve experienced Georgian Cuisine.

Slovenians — although the richest of the Slavic nations, they are also the dumbest, and every one knows that being the richest Slavic man means having two potatoes for dinner while Poles regularly dine on 3 to 4 potatoes per meal. If being conquered by empires equivocated to intelligence Slovenians would be geniuses.

Estonians — History has been rewritten to hide the fact that Estonia was founded in 1964 by Europeans who wanted to head to the hills and get baked for the rest of their lives. The generation of THC based DNA has bred a certain type of young Estonian who is as ugly as he is awkward with women. Estonians are a much better punchline to an ethnic joke about intelligence than Poles, even if you must than explain where Estonia is and why you didn’t say pollock after telling it.

Remember the only reason things have gone so wrong for Polish Americans are because history is written by the victors and we were simply busy with academic pursuits during times of strife.

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, “That’s a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. SinceI arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it.”To which the first replies, “Old country, I’m from the old country. Let me buy you another!”As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, “What part of the old country are you from?”“Krakow,” replies the other. “This is weird,” says the first, “I, too, am from Krakow! Let’s get another shot.”After the new round arrives, the first asks, “So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?’“Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in ’81.”“This is eerie,” replies the other, “I’m Welesa Tech, ’81. Let’s get another shot.” But the bartender says, “Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call.”The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he’ll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, “Oh, the friggin’ Liszjewski twins are here again.”

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One thought on “A Brief History of the Polish Master Race

  1. I love how one Pollock founded this blog and now two (possibly more) are writing for it, and both are quick-witted and overcome these stereotypes. We all love pierogies and vodka though

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