Yinzer Sues 3 Aliquippa Bars After Epic Drunken Night

The miracle man and his biggest fan, Donald and Ronald

Donald Leroy Brown, of Clarks Mills PA, recently filed a lawsuit against Barney’s Bar & Grill, Mulligan’s Sports Bar & Grill, and Bar None. His complaint extends from the Aliquippa bars getting him so drunk he ended up losing an arm. Brown was just trying to have a few drinks and sing some karaoke, according to his best friend and companion that night, Ronald ‘Dauber’ Brasnooch.

“Yeah, we was down there drinking in Beaver County cuz we heard those girls were loose,” said Brasnooch as he made a circle with his thumbs and index fingers. “We was just trying to plug some holes. Then Neil-O had to get all difficult.”

Brasnooch went on to explain that Brown had put in a request to sing ‘Renegade’ by Styx to the bartender at Barney’s around 2:30 PM. This would normally have resulted in Brown singing his song within the hour, except the karaoke DJ wasn’t scheduled to begin until 8:00 PM that evening. According to bar patrons, Brown produced a terrible towel from his bib overalls and began to chant “defense” repeatedly before becoming increasingly hostile to those around him.

“Neil-O’s like a man possessed when he even thinks about ‘Renegade.’ He’s just that passionate,” Brasnooch explained.

Bartender ‘Ass’ Dan Johnson had a slightly different take on Brown’s behavior.

“I can respect baring the colors, hell they’re sacred around these parts, but this guy was just being a total jagger. After 5 or 6 hours of screaming and hollering, he called me the worst DJ in the greater Pittsburgh area and said he’d report me to the Better Business Bureau for violation of services or some drunken horseshit. I actually laughed at that one,” said Johnson, “But then he called me a fagel and threw his beer in my face. I had to have Chinese Joe throw him out.”

When reached for comment, ‘Chinese’ Joe Santos said, “I’m Filipino. I need to get out of this backward-ass town.”

Details of the night’s events become scarce after the pair left Barney’s. According to Brasnooch’s estimate, he and Brown both imbibed somewhere between 22 and 47 bottles of I.C. Light before arriving at Mulligan’s.

“Nice joint but a little classy that time of night for what we were looking for,” Brasnooch said. “Neil-O saw motorcycles and some chick throwing up outside of Bar None. We both knew that was the spot.”

After staying with Brown for approximately an hour at Bar None, Brasnooch said Brown claimed he received a ‘booty call’ via text message and that he would be leaving to engage in coitus with said woman.

“I didn’t wanna cockblock Neil-O, God knows I know he wouldn’t do me like that,” said Brasnooch. “I shoulda known he was just going down his dad’s place, especially since he was making them beepin’ noises with his mouth. Plus he kinda smelled like he shit himself and I didn’t think he got down that raunchy, ya know?”

After passing out for 14 hours, Brown awoke experiencing pain and swelling in his lower right arm. After being examined at Sewickley Valley Hospital, he was transported to UPMC Presbyterian Shadyside where his right arm was amputated below the elbow. Donald Leroy Brown is now seeking $25,000 in monetary damages from the bars. He is being represented by attorney Albert Torrence.

“When I think about, Neil O was just trying not to let me down. I only wish I had the fortitude to do the same for him,” Brasnooch said. “Plus, now he doesn’t have to worry about his arm fallin’ asleep when he’s spoonin’ with chicks, so there’s that.”


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