Dick Cheney Recovering from Heart Transplant, Will Miss Rest of Evil Doing Regular Season

Dick Cheney Recovering After Heart Transplant

By Cooper Sanders

After 20 months waiting on a list, former Vice-President Dick Cheney is currently recovering from a heart transplant in the Intensive Care Unit of Inova Fairfax Hospital in Falls Church, VA. According to his spokesman, Cheney will be back to hating freedom and trying to ruin the world as soon as possible. The 71-year-old Cheney has had 5 heart attacks over his long career, yet has never got the message from god that he needs to stop being a stupid asshole.  With recovery likely to be over a month there is a current power vacuum in the world of evil doings and the upcoming weeks may be a bellwether to who will lead the next wave of total pieces of shit.

According to SPR, when reached for comment James Hallward, a man Cheney employed to be on standby in case he wanted to hunt a human between the years of 1992 – 2007 said,

I now am questioning the existence of god.  No matter how many times i have prayed to him asking for that assholes heart to stop he won’t stop him from having enough money to stay alive.

Cheney could have lasted 6 to 8 weeks without a heart according to his personal physician Dr. Elmer Ballz who said that Cheney’s heart was at zero percent capacity between the months of July and September of 2009 because,  “It was so clogged with human feces from Cheney’s 5 month post administration shit eating bender.”

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