Local man doesn’t understand why his art rock band isn’t popular in Pittsburgh.

By Cooper Sanders

Zach Wheelin, a sophomore at Pittsburgh’s Point Park University cannot comprehend the complexities of why his art rock band “the Flaming Mailbox of Destiny” is unpopular in his new hometown. When asked by SPRs Cooper Sanders to further explain Wheelin stuttered sheepishly while staring at his shoes, “it’s more of a free form sonicsensual exploration than art rock band” a moniker he claims, “gives people the preconception about the level of creativeity in the performance”Listing his sonic spirit guides as the Canadian band “Of Montreal” Wheelin pulled his wiener out at The Flaming Mailbox of Destiny’s show last weekend at Peter’s Pub, only to be stopped by security after patrons began shouting “look at that emo kid’s weird little weiner.”

Oakland resident and Peter’s Pub regular Walt “Janny” Janesczki described the show as “totally fucking ass” and said that Wheelin’s weiner was misshapen and tangled.”No wonder he prances around in a little emo band, no woman would ever put that freak show of a ween in her mouth let alone her area. Not even my cousin Missy.”

Bartneder Ashley Wright said that, “when that beat ass hipster (Wheelin) pulled his weiner out everyone here became even more uncomfortable than they were listening to the shit music.” She added, “that was a strange looking pener, it made me wonder how he peed.”

Zach Wheelin of The Flaming Mailbox of Destiny on the cover of the album "Wasted day or wasted day?" Currently unavailable at all good record stores.

The incident, which happened in the middle of their experimental ballad “This is how to start a fire with your penis”, lasted only 14 seconds, but most witnesses agree the image will stay with them forever.

Quitnon “Q” Jenkins, bouncer, said “the image of that pale skinny white kids crooked ass dong will haunt my dreams. I’ve never seen somebody look so confused at their own Dick. It’s like how does that even work? How do you not piss all over yourself.”

Wheelin believes the flaming mailbox of destiny is simply ahead of the curve and in the next few years Pittsburgh will be craving art rock. A local patron screamed out, “more like art cock” during the interview at Oakland’s Fuel and Fuddle, another stood up and pointed at Wheelin yelling, “Jimmy get in here this is that kid with the weird dick I was telling you about!”

Wasted day or wasted Day? was released last week to no critical response. The album, which Wheelin synopsizes as “man overcoming his fear of sound” is really, really bad and should be listened to by no one. The “Flaming Mailbox Vote or Die Summer Tour” is currently in the planning stages of Wheelin’s mind, but admittedly its been hard to book shows now that the internet has labeled him “the weird weiner guy.” The album is currently in no local record stores because the album’s cover has been labeled, “bad for business.” Wayne Drufus, owner of Drufus Records in the South Side said, “it wouldn’t even get the ironic buy. it would have sat here and weirded me out until i pitched it.”

when reached for comment, the horse on the album cover (through a horse interpreter) admitted he had not listened to the album because he is a horse, but had a bad feeling about it right from the begining during the photo shoot. “The way he had his hand on his thigh told me all I needed to know about his album, it was going to be weird, just like his weiner”, said the horse.


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